


Humming

by ourspring



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, youngjae is the college student
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-03-12 15:48:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 38,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13550550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourspring/pseuds/ourspring
Summary: Jaebum takes on community service hours in order to avoid potential jail time after a reckless, drunken night with friends. What he doesn’t expect to take on, though, is the catalyst that comes in the shape of a bright-eyed university student, who somehow begins to shift the direction of his life entirely.





	1. intro

“What the fuck am I doing here.”

The complaint is grumbled out as a grimace stretches across Jaebum’s face, hands moving to slam the locker door in front of him shut, yanking up the zipper of his required uniform but opting to leave the upper half of the navy blue jumpsuit hanging off his hips, the wife beater he wore underneath his normal attire now exposed. 

His question goes unanswered.

Which is to be expected, seeing as he’s the only one in the small employee locker room right now.

It was all his own damn fault, too.

The heavy set of denial weighs down on Jaebum’s broad shoulders as he moves across the room in annoyance, grabbing ahold of the items he would need for his shift tonight.

The large empty trash bin. 

The cart holding a multitude of cleaning supplies and restock material. 

Jaebum was only on day two of his janitorial duty for the college but his lingering bitterness was currently leading him to reconsidering the option of just serving jail time. 

Okay, yeah, that was a dramatic thought but he really didn’t want to be here right now. 

That same thought only irks Jaebum’s sour attitude further, hands coming out to shove open the door and hold it there while pushing his obnoxiously large cargo through, expression showing how ready he is to get the entire thing over with.

All of it. Not just this one shift.

The hallways of the music department he is currently in are eerily quiet with the after hours now setting in, an occasional student or teacher having shown up to break the silence but otherwise it was one of the very few things that Jaebum could find relief in in regards to his community service hours he was putting in to avoid an actual sentence.

At least it was quiet.

The trash bag opens with a snap as Jaebum shakes it out, inhaling slowly and taking a moment to collect himself before beginning. He could get through this. It was only day two, but day three would happen, and then day four, day five, day six, and then each day would get easier and easier from here on out until Jaebum was done with however many hours they were requiring out of him.

It’ll be fine.

Jaebum chooses to ignore how he has a hard time believing himself.

 

*

 

It’s easy to find a rhythm once he begins cleaning, earbuds plugged into his ears and shuffling his music to help keep him focused, going from room to room and collecting trash, sweeping and dragging a mop across the tiled floors before shutting off the lights and closing the door behind him with a satisfying slam.

Knowing that each closed door was leading him closer and closer to the end of all of this was the little bit of encouragement that Jaebum needed. 

And if the slams were getting more and more forceful as he went, then Jaebum’s just glad no one is around to acknowledge it or tell him to stop.

The music playing through his earbuds lingers in the back of his mind but Jaebum’s attention has drifted to his own thoughts now, frown marring his face further as he tries to ignore the persistent deep-settled thud within the depths of his chest. He knows what it is. Knows it’s the lingering’s of disappointment trying to crawl it’s way up his throat and spill out of him. It makes him a little nauseous.

Jaebum continues to swallow it down though, refusing to let it out just yet.

Not yet.

He knows he fucked up but he doesn’t want to acknowledge the severity just yet.

Jinyoung’s voice is practically ringing in his head now, the familiar scolding that his best friend had laid on him when finding out about what Jaebum did replaying once more. Its been nonstop, a broken record within the confines of Jaebum’s mind that he can’t turn off. The disappointment laced in his best friend’s words tied with the look of it in Jinyoung’s eyes only made it all the more smothering.

_“What the hell were you thinking, Jaebum-hyung? Seriously? Are you actually trying to ruin your life now because that’s what its starting to look like. What has gotten into you lately—“_

_“I get it, Jinyoungie, okay? I fucked up. You don’t have to—“_

_“-- No. I think I do, actually. I do have to. This isn’t you.”_

The same twitch in his brow that had appeared at Jinyoung’s words is there once more, and Jaebum inhales slowly and pauses his mopping to bring a hand up to rub at his face, mentally exhausted with his own mind. And how it just won’t stop--

_“The Jaebum I grew up with had more common sense than this. He had more respect. For himself and for the things and people around him. You know better than this. You can do better than this. You are better than this.”_

Was he, though?

Hands clench around the mop handle he’s still holding before Jaebum jerkily yanks it up to let the mop head fall heavily back into the bucket beside him, ignoring the water that splashes over the sides of it because he had filled it just a little too full.

_“You’re going to do whatever the hell they tell you to do and then when this is all over, you’re going to get your shit together. Because I’m sick and tired of all of this. You’re going to wake up one day and regret all of this--”_  

“I know.”

Jaebum mumbles the words out loud, as if Jinyoung was standing in front of him now and saying all of it to his face again. He reaches for his cellphone pocketed away within his uniform for a quick distraction, peering at the time and noting how an hour and a half had already passed.

And luckily with the music hall there were only two floors – meaning he would be able to finish up at a decent time.

Jaebum’s first day had been in the Administration Building.

Where he had cleaned all _four floors_ by himself.

Jaebum grabs at the mop once more and falls back into the repetitive routine of cleaning the floors and emptying the trash as he goes. The bathroom on the first floor had been saved for last, and if Jaebum had let out a few cries of terror at what was found within some of the stalls there, he was even more thankful for the lack of existence within the building now more than ever.

He had made pitiful sounds that even Jinyoung hadn’t heard before.

“Who even manages to do something like that—What the fu—“

This is ridiculous.

Jaebum feels _ridiculous_.

He can practically hear Jinyoung’s condescending laughter now, and he is shoving the tied up bag of trash into the bin with a huff, already planning out his best friend’s demise for somehow managing to crawl his way into Jaebum’s subconscious as well.

Finally –

One floor down. One more to go.

Jaebum moves to take the bin of trash to the dumpster outside, clearing it once more for whatever was upstairs and then putting away the cart as well as mop and bucket, knowing that the supply closet on the second floor would have the exact same items. Which, Jaebum was thankful for, because dragging all that shit up the flight of stairs was not something he would have been eager to do.

Jaebum’s shoes hit the tiles of the second floor with a squeak and he finds it mirroring how the first floor was. Seemingly empty and quiet, save the music still shrilling from his earbuds which now hung across his shoulders.

Finding the supply closet, the routine is repeated once more, save for the bin left at the bottom of the stairs that Jaebum would have to bring the collected trash to at the end. Jaebum’s pulling out the cleaning cart, filling the mop bucket up with a little too much water again, and it’s while he is shoving the dry mop head into the water that a low and faded sound of humming breaks the silence. 

It’s like a scene straight out of those horrible horror movies that Mark has made him watch.

And first reaction Jaebum has to it is his heart lurching in his chest so hard he wonders if it would have been visible from the outside.

Why did it have to sound so _creepy?_

The low hum is coming from the end of the hallway, and there is a hint of hesitance tensing over him, a shiver breaking across Jaebum’s arms.

Had he been in the presence of anyone else, Jaebum would have attempted to save face and not look so obviously spooked – but he’s alone (or so he thought) and his eyes are widened just the slightest, staring at the doors down the way and wondering if he should just act like it didn’t happen or investigate it himself.

It’s not like it would be unheard of for someone to still be in the building.

The humming comes again after a moment of stretched silence, and now that Jabeum is listening for it, it sounds far less intimidating and he can feel his body immediately relax. His heart beat is still thumping heavily in his chest though, the minor heart attack lingering with the odd adrenaline the shock had given him.

Jaebum decides its best if he just does what he’s supposed to do and gets out as soon as possible.

Repetitive routine once more.

Eventually Jaebum finds his way to the last few classrooms, having chosen to close the doors to the others he had finished up quietly this time, not wanting to draw any attention to himself.

It seems that Cocky and Irritated ‘First Floor’ Jaebum had left the moment his heart almost jumped out his throat.

Just as Jaebum is about to move towards the classroom closest to his right, the humming comes back again for a third time, but it’s louder and Jaebum notes that it is coming from the classroom he had been going to – and then his feet are moving without much thought.

The room still had to be cleaned, didn’t it?

The set up of the room is similar to the others, the instruments within it the only difference. There are desks and chairs pushed off to one corner, and there is an array of keyboards spread out, some tucked away and others still set up as if they had just been used not too long ago. There is also a large grand piano directly in front of him but on the opposite side of the room, and Jaebum notices the lone figure sitting at the bench, their back turned to him. They are hunched over something, Jaebum is assuming some sort of work, and he remains quiet for a total of thirty seconds before audibly clearing his throat.

There is a shout of surprise suddenly breaking from the male, his body jolting and knees coming up as if his body was trying to curl in on itself only to bang against the underside of the piano. Jaebum flinches as if he feels the ache himself.

“Oh my god—you scared the crap out of me!”

The male has whipped around to look at him with wide eyes, a hand pressed to his chest as it heaves, and Jaebum quirks a brow in quiet amusement at the fact that he had scared the other. Seeing as it was him who had made Jaebum practically crawl out of his skin just earlier.

Or, Jaebum was assuming it was him.

…He’s hoping it was him.

“Sorry,” Jaebum responds although he doesn’t look or sound very apologetic.

The male doesn’t seem to mind though, wide eyes blinking before he is letting out a breath of relief, laughter following it. Jaebum watches as his whole demeanor seems to shift, going from scared shitless to realizing it was only the janitor.

The janitor.

_Him._

Jaebum hated his life.

There is an awkward beat of silence that Jaebum completely misses due to his sudden mental brooding, but the other male suddenly looks a little unsure, moving on the bench to turn and face him completely.

“Did you need something?”

Jaebum blinks, holding back a snort.

Yeah. A fucking break.

“I need to clean the room,” He says instead.

Jaebum’s short response seems to click with the other and there is a sound of surprise as he moves quickly to stand up. The motion is hurried and awkward though, and the papers that the male had been focusing on are dropping to the floor and fluttering off in multiple directions. A flush finds the male’s cheeks as he apologizes out loud – Jaebum isn’t sure why since it wasn’t as if it was affecting him personally –

But Jaebum could only manage watching the mess for a few seconds longer before he is sighing and moving into the room fully, picking up the few pieces of paper that had landed in his direction. Jaebum’s gaze instinctively drops to look at the contents of what’s on it, brow quirking when he notes that it’s sheet music. Half-finished sheet music. There are erasure marks and faded smudges of mistakes or changed decisions all over it and something in the back of Jaebum’s mind can’t help but play out the melody in his head that the notes are showing him, the familiarity of them both comforting and nauseating at the same time.

Jaebum’s gaze lifts and looks up at the male again, who is now standing a few feet away from him and watching him with that same look of unsurety, the rest of his sheet music grasped in his hands and pressed against his shirt.

He looks like he is almost afraid to ask for them.

Wordlessly, Jaebum extends his hand and offers them back, watching as his gaze flickers from Jaebum’s face and then to the sheet music once more – and Jaebum swears he can actually see the male’s relief at the fact that Jaebum wasn’t doing… _whatever_ he seemed to be afraid of him doing.

“Thanks,” The male gives him a shy smile, tucking the papers alongside the others.

And then…

There’s that awkward silence again.

“Uh—I… still gotta clean,” is Jaebum’s intelligent response, but he’s a little unsure of what to do with the situation now.

The male’s cheeks flush all over again and there is nervous laughter slipping from his lips. “Yes! Right! I’m sorry. God, I’m just embarrassing myself right now, aren’t I? I-I didn’t realize how much time had passed and got distracted with, uh, this--“ He motions to the sheet music, seemingly unaware of his babbling just yet, “Sometimes you just kind of get into that zone and forget about everything else around—“

Jaebum, on the other hand, is fully aware of the babbling.

“I didn’t mean to freak you out.” He cuts him off abruptly, hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck.

His subconscious – _Jinyoung_ – is mocking him again. Jaebum can hear the snarky comments about his complete lack of tact.

“You’re totally fine! I kind of scare really easily anyway, so it’s not like it takes a lot.”

Jaebum doesn’t know why this conversation won’t just end.

Not that the other is annoying. He seems pretty nice, actually.

It was all just beginning to get a little cringe-worthy.

Although he might lack tact, Jaebum has always been able to be a quick thinker when the time called for it, and it only takes a second for him to finally put his hand up despite the male not talking anymore, but it gets his attention. 

“I still have a couple more rooms I need to clean. How about I go do those and you can finish up in here. I can just save this room for last.”

There was an odd bit of guilt festering in his thoughts about breaking the male out of his zone. Especially with music. Jaebum knew from his own first hand experience how frustrating it could be to be pulled from that flow.

The other seems surprised by the offer, but then nods his head, silently agreeing to it. 

Jaebum leaves without a word to avoid dragging anything out further.

 

* 

 

He takes his time cleaning those last few rooms. He isn’t exactly sure why he’s trying to be so considerate of the other’s time – especially when it’s cutting into his own time too – but it’s when he’s finishing up with the first of the last three rooms that he hears the lull of the piano suddenly, the melody he had played in his head when he had peeked at the other’s sheet music now being played outwardly –

It’s much prettier to hear with his own ears, Jaebum can’t help but think to himself.

The playing continues as Jaebum cleans, his own music having been shut off in favor of listening to the male play the piano. It should be eerie how it manages to shift the entire mood of the atmosphere around him but Jaebum finds that it’s not. It feels like he’s greeting an old friend, the somberness of the song being played seeping into his own skin.

It’s peaceful for now.

It’s always that _‘for now’_ that keeps Jaebum on his toes though, never knowing when that feeling will arise in him again.

He doesn’t want to feel the bitterness but he knows the longer he lets himself fall into the familiar warmth of music like this, it’s bound to rear its ugly head eventually.

And this song was a little too soft for Jaebum to want to feel such negative things towards. 

So Jaebum is thankful when the playing finally stops, focus still directed on his cleaning until he’s tossing the now full trash bag next to the other from the first room.

Only one more room left.

When Jaebum enters again the male is humming once more to himself, pencil moving to scratch onto the sheet music but luckily he’s angled himself so that he actually sees Jaebum’s figure enter the room this time, saving the both of them from another awkward shock.

“All done?” The male asks, brow raised considerately as he moves to collect his things.

“Yeah. Just this one left.”

The male nods, taking the sheet music and setting it atop the grand piano before focusing his attention back onto Jaebum, who quirks a brow at the thoughtful expression the other is suddenly wearing.

“How about I help you?” 

Jaebum is… caught off guard by that. 

It probably shows on his face, if the male’s smile and laugh was enough of a giveaway. 

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to.”

Jaebum furrows his brow in confusion.

“Why?”

The male offers a simple shrug of his shoulders, “Do you really need a reason?”

Jaebum doesn’t bother with an answer, the confusion still evident on his face. Had it been him in the other’s shoes he would have been gone by now. The last thing he would have offered to do was help the janitor clean after hours when he could be out doing things he actually cares about.

The male laughs again, seemingly amused by their conversation now, and Jaebum would have found that irritating if the other didn’t seem so genuine right now.

“I messed up your whole thing and took up your time and I just—feel bad. So please. Let me help you clean so that we can both get out of here sooner rather than later.”

Jaebum has half the heart to remind the other that he was the one who had suggested he clean the other rooms – but he pushes it away and resigns with a simple nod instead, deciding that accepting a helping hand wouldn’t really hurt anyone. Especially not himself.

“Great! I’m Youngjae, by the way!”

“I’m—Jaebum. Im Jaebum.”

“Nice to meet you, Jaebum-ssi. Now—what do we do first?”

Youngjae seems eager to help for who really knows why and Jaebum lets a little chuckle slip.

“We collect the trash.”

 

*

 

Their time spent cleaning the room goes rather smoothly. It’s uneventful, and they don’t talk much, but Jaebum can feel more of an appreciation of Youngjae’s help when the other moves to sweep the room and take all the piled up trash bags down to the main bin at the bottom of the stairs while Jaebum finishes up mopping. Although it wouldn’t have taken him very long, it’s seemingly nothing with one extra body helping alongside him.

When they’re finished Jaebum waits as Youngjae picks up the rest of his things and throws the strap of his bag across his shoulders. Once he’s out of the room Jaebum flicks the light off and shuts the door.

There is a mental sigh of relief.

“That really wasn’t bad at all.” Youngjae comments, small smile quirked into the edge of his lips, as if he heard the sigh from Jaebum’s own head. If he didn’t know any better, the comment almost seemed teasing.

They didn’t know each other that well though, so Jaebum noted it but ultimately let it slide.

“That was one room. Try cleaning all of them.” He retorts back with a grumble while grabbing the cart and giving it a push, Youngjae taking ahold of the mop and bucket and following close behind. 

Jaebum is already thinking about what he’s going to do when he’s done here—

And then he see’s it.

His feet immediately stop, that familiar squeak resounding through the hallway once more and Youngjae looks confused as he stops as well.

“What? Why are you making that face?” There is a bubble of laughter coming from the raven-haired boys throat that Jaebum, again, let’s slide before he drops his head back and lets out a filthy string of cuss words that even Youngjae flusters a bit at. 

“ _The bathrooms_.”

Brow raising, Youngjae turns to look towards the two bathroom doors in mention before putting two and two together. Jaebum gives him a narrow eyed look when it seems Youngjae has to stop himself from laughing again.

At Jaebum’s complete misfortune.

“C’mon—“ Youngjae shoots him a grin before moving forward, “I’ll take one and you take the other.”

Jaebum scoffs a little.

“I’m not going to make you clean the bathroom, Youngjae-ya.”

The sudden shift in honorifics on his own part makes Jaebum pause, surprised at how easily and casually it had slipped. He hadn’t even been thinking about it. Youngjae’s brow is raised but it’s not clear if it’s in response to Jaebum’s comment or the honorific, but the other doesn’t seem bothered. If anything – again – he seems amused at Jaebum’s misfortune.

Another slide.

How many is that now?

“It’s fine. Seriously. I really don’t mind.” That eagerness is there again. Jaebum still isn’t entirely sure why.

A heavy sigh breaks from his chest and Jaebum gives in once more. No words are needed, Youngjae seeing the metaphorical white flag thrown on Jaebum’s part and grinning before choosing the women’s bathroom to clean.

Opening the door to the men’s bathroom there is a sense of relief when Jaebum notes it’s a single.

This one doesn’t have any strange and questionable materials within it and it’s an easy clean down. Jaebum takes the mop over the floors in just a few strokes to finish up, passing it off to Youngjae who finishes up behind him moments later.

“There. The torture is over.”

Jaebum brings a hand up to shove at Youngjae’s shoulder, the raven-haired boy snickering in response and letting Jaebum snag the bag of trash from his grasp without a fight.

“For today. I do it all over again tomorrow.” Jaebum drawls out, yanking open the supply closet and putting away the cart, letting Youngjae handle the mop and bucket and stepping aside to watch the other struggle with dumping out the dirty water. Youngjae’s legs seem to wobble just the slightest, the bucket slipping off the edge of the sink and splashing water onto the bottoms of Youngjae’s jeans and shoes. Jaebum outwardly laughs now, moving forward to grasp the bottom of the bucket and tip it with ease to dump it all.

“Don’t hurt yourself.” His tone is smug, and Youngjae brings a hand up to hit at his shoulder in retaliation, making a woeful sound as he stares at his wet jeans.

“Why was it filled with so much water in the first place? It shouldn’t be that heavy.”

There is a hidden jab there that Jaebum catches and he’s giving Youngjae an unimpressed look before moving out of the supply closet entirely, deciding to not grace the question with an answer. It wasn’t Jaebum’s fault he was incapable of eyeballing what was an appropriate amount of water to fill the bucket with. And he hadn’t mopped floors in years before yesterday.

They’re both making their way down the stairs towards the trash bin, Jaebum tossing the last bags into it and then pushing it back out the exit to move it all into the dumpster outside, noting that Youngjae was still following him. He keeps quiet, letting the other throw the bags in and then drag the bin back into it’s designated spot. 

Now that it was all finished Jaebum could acknowledge it hadn’t been that bad.

“So is this like—your job?”

Youngjae’s voice cuts through Jaebum’s thoughts, his attention turning back onto him with a raise of a brow, and Youngjae flushes a bit when he realizes how it might have sounded.

“Not that it’s a bad job! There’s nothing wrong with this job. You just seemed—you know. You don’t seem like you would be a—“

“—A janitor.” Jaebum finishes for him, holding back the smirk that’s attempting to etch its way onto the corner of his mouth.

Jaebum considers the other for a moment – as in, he actually considers Youngjae and takes him in for the first time since walking in on him in the music room. Now that the awkwardness has faded and they’ve spent almost forty-five minutes together mopping floors and wiping down toilets, Jaebum can’t help but acknowledge that he almost feels comfortable around him.

It’s weird.

It’s weird because they’re strangers. Jaebum knows nothing about Youngjae other than his name and that he plays the piano. He doesn’t know his age. Doesn’t know his major here at the college. Doesn’t even know his last name. But it was only a little unsettling because Jaebum found it hard at times to connect with people. Most found him intimidating and tip-toed around him. Some personalities were far too bold for his liking. Others he simply just clashed with. Jaebum was more than aware that he was hard to get to know, but Youngjae had an air about him that seemed a little effortless.

He was easy to talk to, mainly. His entire aura just screamed friendly.

There were no red flags. Youngjae just seemed... _good_.

Jaebum might be a bit of hard ass about things but even he couldn’t scowl at something that genuine, and it’s because of that, that Jaebum finds himself responding truthfully to Youngjae’s question.

“I’m not an actual janitor. I’m just temporarily one… and not getting paid.”

Youngjae’s brow furrows in question, but Jaebum continues before he has to ask any further.

“I did something illegal and now I’m doing community service hours in order to avoid a sentence involving jail time.”

Again. 

Tact. 

Jaebum didn’t have it.

A silence settles between them and for a moment, Jaebum wonders if the friendliness that Youngjae’s been showing him is going to fade off now that the other is aware he’s standing in front of a ‘criminal’ and not a janitor. 

Jaebum tries to ignore how much he hates that word. Especially associated with him.

Criminal. Not janitor. Although, that’s almost just as terrible.

“Oh.” 

Youngjae quirks his head to the side a little, as if he’s processing it all, before finally speaking up – seeing as Jaebum’s mouth isn’t wanting to form words just yet with the spillage he had just allowed.

“Honestly, that seems to fit you a lot more than being a janitor.” 

Jaebum blinks, not quite sure how to take that.

“What does that mean?”

Youngjae flushes again, hand coming up to brush through his black hair like a nervous tick, as if realizing he might have accidentally said that out loud.

“Nothing bad! I just don’t picture someone who looks like you when I think of what a janitor looks like.”

Jaebum thinks that might have been a compliment.

Honestly, he really has no clue, but the flush on Youngjae’s face says it could of been and that it definitely had slipped.

“I’m glad that criminal seems to be more fitting for me.” Jaebum drawls out, smirk appearing when Youngjae verbally flusters all over again, much like he had in the room earlier.

“Stop! You’re making it sound ten times worse than what I’m meaning—“

“I mean there isn’t much you can say about the word criminal that can sound nice.”

“I didn’t say criminal, you said criminal.”

Jaebum snorts at that, “That’s technically what I am.”

“But the fact that you’re doing community service hours and janitorial work at my college instead of sitting in a jail cell tells me that you probably suck at being one. You’re clearly not a criminal designed for hard time.”

The laugh that slips from Jaebum’s mouth comes from his chest, surprised by the jab but finding it actually funny at the same time. His subconscious, Jinyoung, is grinning and telling Jaebum that Youngjae definitely has a point.

“I guess you got me there.” Jaebum finally responds after a moment, smile still stretched on his face and Youngjae seems pleased with himself.

“What’d you do?”

That manages to get the smile to fade a bit, the reality that although Jaebum apparently sucks at being a criminal -- he still is one -- and that familiar disappointment is beginning to bubble up in his chest again at the thought of having to tell Youngjae just what he did.

The last thing Jaebum wants to see is another look of disappointment cast his way. And something told him that one from Youngjae would have some lasting sting to it.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Jaebum finally says, letting the smile drop all together now.

If Youngjae wanted to push for an answer it doesn’t show on his face at all. He simply nods, giving Jaebum a small smile – and it’s not pity but Jaebum still doesn’t know what it is – before adjusting the strap of his bag on his shoulder once more. The two of them stand there for a few beats of silence before Jaebum clears his throat and flops his hands at his side a little. 

“I’m gonna—go change back into my clothes and probably head out.”

Youngjae shakes from his own thoughts, head immediately nodding as he takes a small step in the opposite direction, towards the main doors of the music hall.

“Yeah! Yeah—I should probably go too. I’ve got studying and an essay to get to.”

Jaebum only nods, the both of them still stalling without really knowing why.

At least, Jaebum doesn’t.

It’s sudden the way the solemn notes of the piano that Youngjae had been playing earlier randomly come back to him, fading in and out of his mind and echoing around it. It’s only the small bit that Jaebum had seen with his own eyes on the sheet music, the notes practically imprinted there, but there is something about it that suddenly overwhelms him and Jaebum’s talking before he really even knows what he wants to say.

“You’re… composing your own music.”

Youngjae seems a little surprised by the question, but not against it, seeing as he nods his head only seconds later, affirming Jaebum’s statement.

“It sounded good. At least, what I heard did.”

Something twists in Youngjae’s gaze and Jaebum is suddenly honed in on it, wondering what that could of meant – what the flash in his eyes was – but Youngjae is still a stranger, someone he can’t quite read yet, so Jaebum lets it go to watch the other steadily as he seems to muster up his words.

“Thanks. I do appreciate that-- but it’s really not all that great. I’ve been struggling with it for months.” Youngjae’s expression looks a little crestfallen and Jaebum silently notes that he prefers the happier expressions over this. He may of only known Youngjae for less than two hours but it still doesn’t look right on his features.

“I can help you, if you ever need it.”

Sometimes Jaebum really wished he could put his foot in his mouth. His heart beat accelerates at his own words, his own offer, feeling the palms of his hands suddenly clam up. Why had he even said that? Why had he offered that? Jaebum hadn’t even touched his own music in years, and felt completely out of his depth with it, so why he would even offer something like that to Youngjae was beyond him right now. But he just fucking did.

He was an idiot.

Youngjae, on the other hand, being completely unaware of the immense distress Jaebum had just put himself into, eyes him curiously. He seems surprised yet again.

“You’ve composed your own music?” Youngjae’s tone doesn’t seem disbelieving at all. It’s just curious.

Jaebum doesn’t know why the other seems to be so curious with him, but then again, he kept opening his mouth and giving Youngjae more and more to question – so Jaebum couldn’t really blame anyone but himself.

“What, the criminal can’t be a musician, either?”

Youngjae’s eyes widen and he’s shaking his head vehemently, “W-What?! No—No that’s not what I meant at all, Jaebum-ssi— I’m sorry—“

“I was just kidding.”

Although, his question might have been a little more honest than he’d like to admit.

Jaebum figured he’d spare Youngjae any further embarrassment, in fear that the red would stain his skin permanently if he kept it up.

Youngjae seems to calm down despite still visibly flushed, fingers running through his hair again and Jaebum watches him silently until the other lets out a breathy laugh and finally gives him a smile.

It makes Jaebum’s insides twist in a way he’s not quite sure how to feel about.

“If you’re being serious about helping me, I’d actually like that a lot.”

Jaebum shouldn’t be shocked that Youngjae agreed. He offered in the first place. But consider him shocked, anyway. 

“You don’t even know if I’m good at composing though.” Jaebum counters, deciding to play the Devil’s Advocate to his own suggestion.

Youngjae only seems amused once more.

“You know… I’ve got this feeling that you’re probably very good at it.” There is an assurance in his tone that almost makes Jaebum fluster himself.

He doesn't, of course.

“And I’ll have you know that my gut feeling never steers me wrong.” Youngjae adds on after a moment, tone brightening a bit more before he’s reaching into the back pocket of his jeans and pulling out his cellphone, sliding his thumb across the screen and pulling up his contacts list, turning it towards Jaebum who blinks at it like he’s suddenly incapable of comprehending what to do with that.

“Your number?” Youngjae prompts, laughing lightly and handing it off to Jaebum when he finally takes it. “So that we can figure out times and what not. It might work best after hours like this since you’ll be on campus already. We can just meet up here? In the same room upstairs?”

Jaebum punches in his number and sends himself a text from Youngjae’s phone so that he can save it as well, handing it back to Youngjae and finally nodding.

“Yeah—Yeah that should work. If not, we can figure something else out.”

Youngjae’s smile only seems to brighten at that, his gaze fixated on his phone for a moment before he’s pocketing it once more and finally stepping backwards, turning to make his exit.

“Alright! I’ll talk to you later, Jaebum-ssi!” 

“Uh—Youngjae. You can call me hyung, if you want.”

To hell with it.

Youngjae’s steps falter for a moment, brow raised in surprise once more (that’s Jaebum, throwing out the surprises left and right today, apparently) before a bright smile crosses his face and he’s shooting Jaebum a thumbs up that makes the elder roll his eyes.

“Jaebum-hyung, then. We’ll talk soon!”

And with that Jaebum watches as Youngjae leaves and it’s now just him in the music hall, that silence that he had enjoyed earlier falling over him once more but now Jaebum just wants to get out and away from it. He moves to head back towards the employee lockers where his things are, fingers gripping at his auburn hair as everything that just happened within the past few hours really settles over him.

“What did I just get myself into.” 

Somewhere in the depths of Jaebum’s mind, his subconscious Jinyoung is already snorting at him and rolling his eyes, grumbling something along the lines of _Much more than you’re probably capable of handling, Jaebummie-hyung._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so if yall are already picking up where this plot concept is coming from then you are a true star. if not though, it's inspired from the movie step up. but of course, it has its own spin and it's own universe. only bits and pieces will be influenced by it!
> 
> this is my first time posting fic. i'm nervous. i'm weird about my writing and it's the first time i'm delving into jaebum and youngjae's characterizations and writing them out. so this is gonna be a big ole learning process for myself so i hope you can all deal with me! but i also hope that you end up enjoying this story as it comes along.
> 
> also, this chapter had no one to read over it and edit it but myself so i hope i managed to catch a majority of spelling errors and what not. if a couple sneak through then i apologize!
> 
> until the next update ♡


	2. crescendo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ **!!!** ] trigger warnings: mentions of death (minor), mentions of depression / anxiety

Jaebum is doing his best to avoid the heavy stare on him.

He stabs at the noodles in front of him with poorly veiled annoyance, imagining it to be Jinyoung’s face instead seeing as he refuses to make eye contact and actually look at the real thing right in front of him. Jaebum can feel the judgment radiating off his best friend.

“You can’t ignore me forever.”

Jaebum scoffs, brow raising in a slight challenge, eyes still not looking.

“I’ll correct myself: I won’t let you ignore me forever.”

There is a drawl there that Jaebum acknowledges and he knows Jinyoung means it. Really, he would just like to hold onto the hope that perhaps life could cut him a little bit of slack for once. Just for once.

Jaebum has already acknowledged he had made yet another dumb decision.

He was pretty notorious for them. No one should be surprised anymore.

As to why Jaebum even thought it was a good idea to tell Jinyoung about what he offered to do for the college boy, Youngjae, he couldn’t explain either.

Just another one of his dumb decisions, he supposes.

Jaebum had tried to pass it off as humorous small talk – his best friend asked about how the community service hours were going and his moment with Youngjae had been the only semi-interesting thing to happen. So he mentions it. Jaebum thought it would be funny, but the incredulous expression that had begun to morph across Jinyoung’s face had said otherwise. 

“Hyung, you haven’t even looked at your own music in years—“

“Yeah, I know.” Jaebum bites back quickly. Jinyoung looks miffed, settling back in the chair he’s seated at in their kitchen. 

“You don’t even know him. You don't even go to college there.”

“I know.”

“And you still agreed to help him with his music?”

Jaebum releases a heavy sigh, feeling his body sag backwards with the exhale of it all, already drained from the conversation and tone that Jinyoung was preparing.

“Yes.”

Jinyoung scoffs now, arms crossing over his chest as he fixes _that look_ on him. The one that Jaebum has gotten before (usually) receiving the most brutal verbal attack of his life. It’s hopeless trying to defend himself – the most he could do is try to explain it and then hope that Jinyoung could show just a little bit of sympathy.

Which, when it comes to Jinyoung, it really just depended on the day. The time. Maybe how he slept the night before.

“Shouldn’t you be focusing on yourself for right now? You’re already spending hours there cleaning the school. Now you’re suddenly going to spend more hours with this random guy and you’re going to help him rediscover his musical muse? You’re not going to go through with it and if you do, you'll end up dropping it at some point. Why even waste your time.”

It’s the assurance in Jinyoung’s tone that ticks Jaebum off.

It’s also the fact that the other seems to of already determined the entire thing as a failure. Which, despite how dumb it might have been to offer, that still wasn’t a very nice feeling to suddenly have.

“It’s not even going to be like that. He’s a musician himself. It’s not like I’m teaching him anything he doesn’t know. I’ll just help him with a few lyrics to whatever he’s writing and then I’ll be done with it. All of it.”

The look Jinyoung gives him makes it clear he doesn’t believe a word Jaebum is saying. Jaebum really wants it gone – he’s sick of seeing expressions like that - even if he deserves them most of the time.

“Can you give me the benefit of the doubt? For once?”

That was the wrong choice of words and Jinyoung's face alone says it all.

“I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt plenty of times. More times than I can count, actually! In fact, the last time I did give you that, you ended up breaking into a college campus auditorium with your stupid _friends_ and completely destroying hundreds and thousands of dollars worth of theater equipment and instruments.” Jinyoung’s words cut deep into the thick skin that Jaebum’s developed over the years, and he hates that his best friend is the only one who seems to really know how make the pain count.

The reminder of why he was in the position he was in now didn’t feel too hot either. 

Jaebum doesn’t have anything to say to that, so he continues to stab at his food.

Jinyoung is probably rolling his eyes. Jaebum doesn’t know for sure but he thinks that he feels it.

“I think it’s a bad idea.”

Jaebum snorts, “Clearly.”

“Well?”

Jaebum finally looks up at that, taking in Jinyoung’s expectant look and giving him a quirked brow of his own, silently questioning what he meant.

Jinyoung lets out a sound of exasperation, “Are you going to tell the guy that you can’t help him? You’ve got enough to deal with right now, Jaebum-hyung. Save the little music class sessions for another person. I’m sure this guy will be just fine without your help.” 

It’s annoying, how Jinyoung seems so persistent about Jaebum not meeting up with Youngjae to help him with his music. There is an awareness there that his best friend’s actions are coming from a place of actual concern, and he knows Jinyoung just wants him to get his life together and do something positive with it for once, but Jaebum had never taken well to people telling him what to do. Even Jinyoung, of all people, knew that.

That, and Youngjae actually seemed like a nice guy.

He was nothing like the few friends Jaebum had been hanging out with before. The ones that Jinyoung hated.

“Sure.” Jaebum answers after a moment, face closing off to give nothing away.

Jinyoung notices it, Jaebum knows that he does, but he’s happy that the other decides to just drop the conversation entirely after Jaebum finally agrees to what he wants. There is tension between the two of them though, the frustration that Jinyoung is feeling evident because he has never been good about hiding his emotions – especially when it came to Jaebum.

Jaebum wonders if he should say something. Should try to reassure his best friend that he’ll be fine. It would be the right thing to do. Younger Jaebum would have done it.

The words don’t leave his lips though, and Jaebum opts to let the tense silence linger before Jinyoung gets up without a word and leaves to go to his room.

It’s been like this between them ever since Jaebum destroyed that theater.

Which, it didn't seem like a big deal at first, and in his drunken haze Jaebum didn’t think he’d end up nearly going to jail over it – but _apparently_ a lot of the stage equipment was expensive and damn near irreplaceable, especially so close to the supposed opening date of whatever play the university had been planning on having. Jaebum had destroyed not only that, but all the decorative and intricate props that students had probably spent hours on. As well as an array of instruments. All because it seemed like a good drunken time with some friends.

Of course, Jaebum had been the only one to get caught. Hence why he was in the position that he was in now.

He had ruined it. That’s what the woman, the play director, had yelled in his face when Jaebum was forced to face her, arms behind his back and locked tight with handcuffs while two officers held him up by his arms. There hadn’t been any guilt at the time, too drunk to comprehend fully what he had done, but once he had sobered up it all began to just drown him.

It wasn’t his proudest moment.

It also didn’t help that the college was the very college he was doing his community service hours in.

And that Jinyoung not only attended it but was, coincidentally, one of the actors for the 'ruined' play.

Jaebum feels his jaw clench in irritation as he stands from his seat, taking his untouched ramyeon and simply tossing it into the trash.

His appetite was gone now.

It’s only noon and Jaebum still has plenty of time to spare before needing to head towards the college and fulfill his janitorial duties of the night, so he’s taking a seat on the living room couch when his phone suddenly vibrates and catches his attention. Jaebum looks at the screen with disinterest but it lasts only a second when the familiar name catches his eye.

 

**From: Youngjae**

 

Jaebum stares at the message for a couple minutes, knowing the response he should be typing out after the conversation he had just had with Jinyoung literally _moments_ ago.

His fingers hesitate, though.

Something tugs in his chest and Jaebum isn’t sure what to make of it. They weren't close – they were still strangers despite the honorifics and one casual night of cleaning together. Telling Youngjae that he can’t help him out, that he needed to focus on getting his community service hours over and done with so he could get his life back on track, was the simplest thing he could do as well as an understandable excuse. He knew Youngjae would be fine with it too – He just knew.

And yet.

Jaebum doesn’t want to.  

Did he mention he had a habit of making dumb decisions?

It’s not like Jinyoung would be able to really know what Jaebum was doing with his life unless Jaebum told him himself. That, or the cops did when they had to call him up to come pick Jaebum up from jail. They were best friends but their lives were two separate worlds entirely.

Jinyoung didn’t need to know anything.

 

 

 

 

Jaebum snorts out loud at that, a grin finding his face.

Sounds like something Jinyoung would have said about him. As well as would of agreed with.

  

 

 

  

 

“What’s with the face?”

Jaebum jumps from where he’s laying back on the couch, Jinyoung’s voice startling him. He hadn’t even heard to other come out of his room. His best friend is pouting, obviously still unhappy with Jaebum, but they’ve never been able to ignore each other for long.

“What face?” Jaebum questions.

Jinyoung gives him a pinched look, “You were smiling at your phone like an idiot.”

“I was not.”

“Uh, yeah you were. I’m not blind, Jaebum-hyung. My eyes work.”

“I don’t know. Maybe it was just something I saw that was funny. I didn’t realize I was smiling.” Which, technically, was the truth. Jaebum wasn’t about to tell Jinyoung that he had been texting the very boy that he had just said he was going to not associate himself with, though. Jaebum figured it would only throw him into the deep end – _deeper end_ – even more.

“Whatever.” Jinyoung mumbles out, shaking his head as he moves to pull on his coat and slip on his shoes.

“Where are you off to?” Jaebum asks with a raise of his brow.

Jinyoung looks like he is going to ignore him for a minute, staring at his own phone and typing something to someone before pocketing it and settling his gaze back on Jaebum.

“I’m meeting up with Mark-hyung and Jackson.”

That catches Jaebum’s attention, a look beginning to cross his face and his lips press together in an attempt to conceal a smirk when Jinyoung narrows his eyes at him knowingly.

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Jaebum teases.

“I know what you’re thinking. I can hear your thoughts. Stop thinking.”

The smirk breaks through anyway. Jaebum can feel the burn of the look of hatred Jinyoung is sending on his skin.

“Have fun, Jinyoungie.” Jaebum drawls out in a light tone, snickering when Jinyoung throws his hands up and walks out the front door in a huff, slamming it behind him to emphasize his annoyance. Jaebum’s reminded of his own dramatic door slams when cleaning the music hall the night he met Youngjae. If people ever wondered where Jaebum developed some of his habits he’d end up pointing an accusing finger at Jinyoung. They’ve known each other for way too long.

Jaebum tosses his phone onto the table by the couch and snatches up the remote, eager for whatever distraction he could get to pass the time.

  

*

 

After passing out on the couch for a couple hours and waking up in time to eat something, Jaebum found himself back at the university to complete his next set of community hours.

The building he is assigned to clean tonight is the primary space for the dance studios and practice rooms. There are _three floors_.  

It takes a few hours to get everything cleaned and mopped, and Jaebum is grateful that the dance students don’t seem to linger about here like at the music hall. It makes the cleaning easier.

Jaebum is finishing off mopping one of the few rooms left on the third floor when he feels a buzz in his pocket from his phone.

 

The little—   

It takes Jaebum another thirty minutes to finish up completely, put all the cleaning supplies away, and then change back into his normal clothes before he’s officially done being a janitor for the night. It hadn’t been as terrible. Jaebum isn’t sure if he is just starting to get used to it all finally or if knowing that he would be meeting up with Youngjae afterwards seemed to somehow make it a little more bearable.

Jaebum decides that he’s just probably getting used to it.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s a good enough answer, Jaebum supposes.

Finding his way back to the music hall, the hallways are dimly lit and it’s quiet again like it had been Jaebum’s first time cleaning it. He really doesn’t like how creepy this place gets at night. His feet take to the stairs and it’s only moments later that Jaebum is peeking his head into the familiar music room once more, noticing Youngjae who was currently seated on the floor and leaned back against the wall near the grand piano, distracted by something on his phone.

Jaebum knocks on the door to announce himself this time, remembering how he had scared Youngjae before.

Youngjae lifts his head and is immediately shooting him a bright smile, bringing a hand up to wave and then locking his phone. 

“This late at night? Is it past your bedtime, hyung?” Is the first thing that comes out of the raven-haired’s mouth, and Jaebum looks affronted by the sudden jab. The friendly smile on Youngjae’s face completely contradicted that unnecessary attack.

“Hilarious.” Jaebum drawls out, ignoring the smile that wants to curl onto his lips when Youngjae snickers, clearly proud of himself.

“Am I here to help you with your music or am I here to get harassed?”

“To help me with my music, of course! And I’m not harassing you.”

“Are you sure about that?”

Youngjae doesn’t give him a response, only falling into a fit of laughter all over again and then finally picking himself up off the ground. Hands move to lift the fall board on the grand piano up to reveal the keys and then he’s taking a seat at the bench, turning to look back at Jaebum and then patting the empty space next to him.

Jaebum suddenly stalls for a moment.

It dawns on him that Youngjae might have expectations of some sort about him. The other had said himself that he had a feeling that Jaebum was good with music – and yeah, he was correct in a way, but it had been so long. Whatever connection Jaebum had had with his music in the past had been severed years ago, and figuring out how to fix it had always been his biggest struggle. Jaebum had tried for a long time to find it again but it only seemed to get further and further away until he had simply given up. 

The Jaebum of the past would have been perfect for this scenario, he can't help but bitterly think. He would know what to do and how to help within seconds of just meeting Youngjae.

The Jaebum of the present though? Well, he’s a bit of a let down.

These were the feelings that were quite literally ruining Jaebum’s life. Feeling insecure, inadequate, a little hopeless. They were foreign. He used to have actual confidence in himself, but whatever he feigned now was just a flimsy shield that could break at any moment and Jaebum knew that.

Jinyoung was right. Doing this was a bad idea.

Youngjae had been playing around with a few of the keys before noticing Jaebum had yet to sit beside him, and Jaebum watches as the other turns around again to look at him curiously.

“Are you just gonna stand there?” 

Youngjae was a music major. This was something the other probably lived and breathed.

Jaebum couldn’t even compare.

His legs move after finally breaking from whatever paralysis had fallen over them and Jaebum takes a seat in the empty space beside Youngjae, ignoring his depressing thoughts and focusing now on the instrument in front of him and the way that their legs are pressed together due to the lack of space the bench provided.

Youngjae doesn’t seem bothered, only moving to pull out a folder that seemed to hold a mess of papers. 

Jaebum looks at it and feels uneasy.

“I know I offered to do this Youngjae, but I’ll be honest,” Jaebum starts out of nowhere, eyes still fixated on the folder that’s sitting up on the music rack now. “I’m not sure how to help you. I mean… you’re in school for this and I’m not.”

It almost feels like saying you’re a medical professional even though you’re basing all your knowledge on having seen every episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

Jaebum knows music but he knows it only on the level that he’s accustomed to.

Youngjae’s head tilts to the side a bit, giving Jaebum a considering look. His fingers are running across the keys directly in front of him but not using enough pressure to actually play one. Jaebum’s gaze has fallen to focus on them, unsure of how to handle the odd beating in his chest.

“You’ve made your own music before, right?”

Jaebum peers over at Youngjae, nodding his head.

“Yeah. But that was on my own time and by myself. They were just songs that I put together.”

“So what makes you think what you created on your own isn’t comparable to what I could make on my own?”

“You have years of actual experience in the music field—I’m assuming, at least. You’re going to college for it. I did most of my work in my bedroom. I wrote song lyrics and made beats on my laptop. You’re writing full on piano pieces."

“I started writing my own pieces in my bedroom, too.” Youngjae counters, frowning a little bit.

Jaebum lets out a small sigh of frustration. He can feel the need growing – the need to convince Youngjae that he wouldn’t be able to provide much help despite offering it – something deep within him already attempting to tear apart something that Jaebum didn’t even fully have a grasp on yet. It’s self-destructive; but his mind doesn’t stop. It never does. He has no confidence. He doesn’t want to disappoint.

He doesn’t want to disappoint Youngjae, so the best he can do is make it clear all on his own of how much he already is one. 

It’ll make it all hurt a little less when he somehow eventually ruins all of this.

“I just—I don’t know—“

Youngjae finally moves his hands away from the keys entirely, and they hover in the air for a moment before he seems to make a final decision and reaches out to grasp Jaebum’s in his own, moving to set them on top of the keys instead. Jaebum tries to pull them back but stops when Youngjae’s hold tightens, and their eyes meet once more long enough for Jaebum to see the plea for him to keep them there.

So he does.

“Music has nothing to do with experience. Just because I’m throwing myself into debt in order to go to school for it doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly better than you or anyone, for the matter.” Youngjae sighs, giving Jaebum a small smile. “You shouldn’t belittle what you've created yourself into such a small thing when it’s more than that. Music is more than that. It can be a life force for some people. It can be the thing that gets people through their days. Where is the rule book that tells someone what is the right way to create music and what is the wrong way?” 

Jaebum’s gaze has fallen to look down at his own hands now, shifting on the bench a little awkwardly when Youngjae’s serious tone crashes over him like a wave. These thoughts were familiar. They were stirring up a feeling in Jaebum’s chest that makes it ache, a forlorn one that makes him miss how he used share Youngjae’s sentiment about music. How he used to feel that same inspiration. 

Jaebum wants to feel it again. He just doesn’t know how to.

“You offered to help me with my music and I accepted it. How about you look at what I have— _listen_ to what I have first before deciding on whether or not you’re capable of actually helping me.”

Youngjae’s still looking at him. Jaebum can feel the stare and can see it in his peripherals. The doubt remains, as well as a little bit of shame, but Jaebum manages to nod his head in agreement to Youngjae’s suggestion, gaze not moving from where it’s focused until Youngjae moves to take a hold of the folder and pull out a few sheets, laying them on top of Jaebum’s hands and directly into his line of vision.

His hands twitch a bit but the action gets him moving, fingers taking hold of the sheet music, the familiar notes catching his eye again.

“This was the one you were playing that night.”

“Yeah! You can tell?”

Jaebum makes a low hum and nods his head, motioning to the string of notes he had seen before and had memorized, “I remember this part.” 

Youngjae pauses, leaning back a bit as if to get a better look at him, and Jaebum finally returns his gaze with a furrow of his brow.

“What?”

“You can read sheet music?”

“I know the notes.”

Youngjae looks curious again. “Can you play the piano?” 

“I took piano classes when I was like… eight or nine. They didn’t last long. I’m pretty sure the only song I remember how to play is _Mary Had A Little Lamb_.” 

This time the younger is laughing and Jaebum can’t help but smile a little at the reaction.

“Some people can’t play anything at all. You should be proud of yourself.”

Jaebum fixes Youngjae with a dull expression, which only causes him to laugh even more, and Jaebum is starting to realize that he kind of likes the sound of Youngjae’s laugh.

Wow.

Okay, brain.

_Anyway._

“Why has this piece been giving you so much trouble?” Jaebum asks after a moment of fully taking in what is there, remembering Youngjae's words from before. It looks like it has the potential to really be something beautiful – he can hear the melody of it in his head again.

“I just kind of lost my muse for it.” Youngjae answers but his tone drops like it had when Jaebum complimented it the first time, and again, Jaebum can’t help but wonder why.

“Did something happen?”

Youngjae freezes, seeming to tense up a bit at the question but the look on his face tells Jaebum that he’s thinking about it. Thinking about whatever happened. Jaebum watches as the raven-haired boy bites at his bottom lip, contemplating to himself before clearing his throat and finally speaking.

“My mom died.”

Jaebum feels like he’s been shot in the chest, shoulders falling and the shock of Youngjae’s response must be evident on his face because the other looks away quickly. Jaebum wasn’t sure what he had been expecting. Maybe something in his head had told him it was because of some relationship or an ex-lover, something cliche that someone Youngjae's age would write a song about, but the idea of it being someone’s death hadn’t been a thought. 

“I’m sorry.“

“It’s okay. You didn’t know." 

“Yeah, but— _fuck_. I’m still sorry I asked.”

Youngjae gives him a smile and Jaebum notes the sudden glassiness of his eyes. If Youngjae ends up crying he is literally going to feel like the biggest asshole in the world. He really was the devil himself.

“It was a piece that I had started my freshman year. It was going to be for her and I was going to perform it at the showcase the university holds at the end of the year for her too since she always came to my performances, but you know… life happens.” 

Jaebum can only nod his head, unsure of how to respond. He’s sure Youngjae doesn’t want pity or sympathy, but Jaebum would feel like an even bigger ass if he tried to change the subject.

“That was a few years ago, though. I’ve gone through all the emotions that I needed to and I’m okay now.” Jaebum isn’t sure why Youngjae is trying to assure him but oddly, it does help.

“And since then you haven’t been able to finish it.” Jaebum brings the conversation a full circle, back to the sheet music now in his hands. It feels completely different to him now that he knows it’s history. He can practically feel the sadness seeping from the paper and into his fingertips.

“I want to! Don’t get me wrong. I want to finish it for her but—then I remember that she’ll never actually get to hear it and it kind of just takes all that inspiration away.”

Jaebum nods in understanding, eyes lingering on the half-finished piece in front of him before moving to place the papers in front of the folder on the music rack.

“Why not just… make an entirely new song for her instead?” 

Youngjae seems a little put off by the suggestion, gaze lifting to look at the sheet music, wavering a bit in uncertainty.

“I guess I just never considered it because I had this. It’s unfinished and I hate leaving things unfinished. Plus, I wanted it to be for her. Starting over just never made much sense.”

“Maybe you need to.” 

Youngjae gives him another curious look, and Jaebum sees his silence as a cue to continue.

“I mean—this is beautiful,” Jaebum says with sincerity. “It is. I told you that before I knew about all of this and I meant it. But maybe you can’t complete it because you’re stuck on the fact that she won’t be able to hear this specific piece like you wanted her to. You can’t complete it because like you said, what’s the point if she never hears it. Emotionally it’s probably… draining. To think about constantly. To keep trying to finish.” 

Youngjae’s gaze hasn’t faltered from looking at him, and Jaebum really hopes that he’s not overstepping any boundaries right now. The other doesn’t look upset or hurt though, and there is a sudden feeling settling in Jaebum’s chest at how he had been right in his assumption of Youngjae when he first met him.

He _was_ good.

“So you think I should just forget about this one and make a new one entirely?” Youngjae repeats a little slowly, as if trying to get on the same page as Jaebum. 

“You don’t have to forget about it.” Jaebum corrects, before shrugging his shoulders.

“Just create something new. Start from scratch. Use the emotions you have now about her, not the ones that you had back then during that time. You were creating a beautiful piece for her but it’s hard to continue that when you can’t feel that happiness anymore that you felt when you started it all. It’s not the same. It’s—not the same song anymore.”

Youngjae blinks at him, an odd look crossing his face as he turns his head to look back towards the sheet music and Jaebum watches him carefully. The other is looking at the paper like he’s realizing something that he didn’t before, a furrow appearing in his brow, lips pursed just the slightest before he moves and takes the sheet music again but only to tuck it back into the folder. Youngjae turns to look at Jaebum after that, a serene expression suddenly softening his features and then he nods. 

“I think that’s a good idea. Thank you, Jaebum-hyung.”

Jaebum swallows at the thickness that has grown in his throat, nodding his head and feeling a bit flustered, but he can’t entirely understand why.

“See? You were helpful after all.”

The raven-haired boy allows a bigger smile to stretch across his face, seemingly okay about the entire discussion that they had just had while Jaebum feels almost visibly shaken from it. 

Those had been emotions he hadn't been expecting to come from all of this. He could barely handle his own emotions half the time and Youngjae opening up and talking to him about such a personal moment in his life has Jaebum's head whirling. He wants to—He wants to—

He doesn’t know what he wants to do. 

He wants to do something. 

“I think that’s enough of being helpful for tonight, don’t you think?” Youngjae speaks up again despite Jaebum’s silence and lack of reaction. The younger is looking to him now with a careful expression, hands coming up to lay across the keys of the piano once more and he moves the hand closest to Jaebum over to press down on the keys in front of him, catching the elder’s attention and smiling when they make eye contact again.

“Why don’t we just play, hyung?”

A distraction. Youngjae is offering a distraction away from what they just talked about.

Jaebum doesn’t question it. He just takes it.

“What should we play.” Jaebum finally speaks up, coughing a bit when his voice comes out a little gruff, that tightness still there and making it a little difficult to talk.

“How about… _Mary Had A Little Lamb?_ ” 

The tease gets a small smile back on Jaebum’s face despite how he is feeling. He sees the pleased look on Youngjae's own face as he turns to play the notes of the nursery rhyme with ease, head bopping along to it.

“A classic.” Jaebum says in a light tone when the other finishes, and Youngjae’s laugh seems very genuine in that moment.

“Alright then—how about I play something for you, then?”

The offer is a little unexpected but Jaebum isn’t against it, curious to see Youngjae play the piano up close and personal – in a way he hadn’t been able to yet.

“Sure.”

“Any suggestions?”

Jaebum makes a face. “Remember when I told you I only knew _Mary Had A Little Lamb?_ That hasn’t changed.”

Youngjae laughs again, putting his hands up in defense.

“Well! I didn’t know if you knew of anything.” 

“I don’t know… play Beethoven? Or someone like that?”

Jaebum blinks at the look Youngjae suddenly gives him, and he sits back and looks affronted by the sheer snark written across it. “What’s that look for?” Jaebum questions, an incredulous laugh slipping from his lips.

“ _Beethoven_.”

“What? You don’t like him?”

“Of course I like him. It’s Beethoven. But his music isn’t exactly the easiest to always play and I’d like to enjoy playing something for you for the first time.” Youngjae muses, looking at Jaebum fondly. 

“I was already impressed with the nursery rhyme. You could literally play anything at this point and I’d probably like it. So just… play whatever you want.” 

Youngjae hums, leaning his head back to think before making a sound of approval and then positioning his hands over the keys in preparation.

“ _River Flows In You?_ Yiruma?”

“Never heard of it.” Jaebum answers.

“I bet you have!” Youngjae retorts back quickly, “Most people have heard it before. They just don’t know what it’s called. It’s beautiful though. I think you’ll like it.”

Jaebum gives him a nod, not bothering to respond and allowing Youngjae to settle himself a little more comfortably on the bench, scooting over to the edge and balancing himself halfway off with his arm coming up to rest against the side arm of the piano. The first few keys play and it does sound familiar, but Jaebum lets himself fall into the melody of the piece, hand eventually coming up to cup his own cheek as he watches Youngjae play.

And it’s only when it nears close to midnight that they finally take their leave from the music room, a promise exchanged between light-hearted banter that they’ll do it again soon. That Youngjae will text Jaebum to let him know when he's free next.

Jaebum does his best to ignore the growing eagerness for that text.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little bit more into both of their stories / history. more will be explained and focused on later!!! ♡


	3. descant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ **!!!** ] trigger warnings: depression / anxiety, emotional breakdowns, moments of violence and description of injury. 
> 
> this chapter is going to delve a lot deeper into jaebum's own mental health, such as his depression and how he falls into a mindset of self-loathing. so, just giving some forewarning that it's gonna get sad.

“So, Jaebum, how do you feel the community service is going?”

His attorney, Taecyeon, watches him carefully from where he’s leaned against his desk, arms crossed over his chest and expectant expression on his face. Jaebum can feel the agitation already beginning to nestle it’s way in deep, but he knows he can’t let it grow, so he does his best to stamp it out before it can grow anymore than it needs to.

“I mean—I’m taking out trash and cleaning dirty bathrooms. So it’s about as great as it sounds.” is his drawl of a retort, eyes shifting to the side when Taecyeon simply sighs quietly to himself and pushes off the desk to take a seat in his chair.

“It’s not going to be a glamorous job, but it’s certainly better than rotting away in a prison cell, don’t you think?” Taecyeon’s brow quirks, expression giving away that he already knows the answer, and Jaebum can only offer a shrug, eyes downcast and focused on the gold-plated name plaque placed at the front of the attorney’s desk. 

Taecyeon hums to himself, reaching out for a small stack of papers and flipping through them casually, eyes scanning down the documents before he taps the section he was looking for. 

“So, we settled on five-hundred hours total for you to complete. Are you keeping track of your time? Clocking in and out?” Taecyeon continues, pulling a pen out of his pocket. Jaebum continues to look forward, nodding his head. “Yeah. I have a time card I’ve been filling out.”

“Perfect. I’d like a copy of that after each week so that I can document them and have them on file. It’s never a bad thing to play it safe, don’t you agree?”

“Sure.” Jaebum, as if on autopilot, nods his head again.

Silence settles between the two of them again as Taecyeon looks towards him once more before setting down the papers and pen, legal talk put on pause at Jaebum’s apparent lack of emotion towards anything. 

“And how are you doing in general? Eating okay? Sleeping okay?”

That draws Jaebum’s attention, dark eyes lifting to look at his attorney critically, snide smirk finding the corner of his lips. “Since when does an attorney care about if I’m getting three meals a day and a solid eight hours of sleep?”

Taecyeon clicks his tongue, brushing aside the blatant disrespect and seeming unbothered. “I’ve known your parents for quite some time now, Jaebum. I may be an attorney but I do have clients that I genuinely care for, and you’re their son. Of course I care.” 

Jaebum snorts. “Are you just going to report back to them everything that we discuss here, then?”

“Legally? No. You’re an adult and despite familial relations, if you haven’t given me permission to disclose information regarding your case with anyone, then it’d be rather frowned upon for me to go about doing that, wouldn’t it?" 

Jaebum remains nonpulsed, holding back the urge to roll his eyes. Taecyeon could say whatever he wanted but at the end of the day his relationship was with his parents, not him. “I’ll make sure they give you a good tip at the end of all this.” Because really, it’s the money coming from his parent’s bank account that does all the sweet talking in Jaebum’s life. It’s handled all his fuck ups in the past and it’s handling it now as well, even though every part of Jaebum’s soul wants to reject it. 

But that also would have meant going to jail and not being offered the alternative community service hours, so whatever venom Jaebum wanted to spit stayed inside him, burning at his insides.

“You haven’t quite been yourself the past few years, have you?” Taecyeon continues, refusing to allow Jaebum’s words to do any damage. It really only makes him want to rip into him harder, but again, Jaebum wasn’t looking to make things more difficult for himself. He continued to hold himself back.

“I’m fine.”

“Now, we might not be very close, but even I know that’s not true.”

Jaebum releases a heavy, exaggerated sigh, bringing a hand up to brush through his hair. “What are you expecting from me right now? I came here to give you an update on my hours so that you can handle things with my probation officer, not get dragged into a stupid therapy session.”

“Well, I’m no therapist at all, simply curious. But perhaps that’s not such a bad idea.”

The sheer thought of going to a therapist leaves a bad taste in Jaebum’s mouth and he makes a show of blanching on it, sitting up straight in the seat he had been slumped back in and shaking his head defiantly. “No fucking way.”

“I could push it, you know, if I felt you needed it. It only takes a call.”

“I’m  _fine_.” Jaebum repeats through gritted teeth, feeling his hands curl into a tight clenched fist.

The look on Taecyeon’s face makes Jaebum tense, because he can see the doubt in the lines of the elder’s face, and it’s infuriating. He was so sick and tired of people looking at him like that. Like they didn’t believe him. Or in him. They didn’t take him seriously. The bitterness spreading its way through him is sharp and Jaebum hates it. He can feel it egging him on, reminding him that he was the reason he received those looks. He had done this all to himself.

“I’m going to give you this card.” Taecyeon finally speaks up, pulling a drawer open in his desk and looking through it for a moment before making a sound of success and pulling the sought card out, leaning across the space between them and holding it out to him.

Jaebum just stares at it with a frown, half-tempted to not take it at all, but the expression that begins to harden on Taecyeon’s face finally makes him move forward to snatch it out of the other’s hand, shoving it into the pocket of his jeans without even sparing it a look. 

“That’s a therapist who I’ve known for awhile. She’s very good at what she does, as well as very easy to talk to. I’ve recommended her to many people. I think you’d like her.”

“I don’t need therapy.” Jaebum reiterates, inhaling through his nose and shaking his head. Taecyeon just shrugs his shoulders.

“Just hold onto it, then. If you happen to change your mind, I suggest you call her and set up an appointment. Tell them I sent you.”

Yeah. Fat chance.

Jaebum gives a curt nod anyway, making no promises whatsoever. The silence returns before his attorney seems as satisfied as he can be about their little “meeting”. The elder clears his throat, picking up the stack of papers again and flipping through, finally looking away. “You’re free to go now. Just make sure you swing by sometime this week and give me that time sheet so I can make a copy.”

And Jaebum doesn’t waste a second, silently pushing out of his seat and exiting the door, leaving as quickly as he can.

 

 *

 

The pleasant lull of piano keys playing has been helping him calm down from the day that he had. Jaebum watches silently as Youngjae plays a small piece beside him, pausing every once in awhile to mark something on the music sheet in front of them or to adjust something that he didn’t like anymore. Jaebum really hasn’t done much to help since showing up, simply nodding his head when Youngjae asks him if a certain part sounded alright, offering a small comment here and there so that the other didn’t get too suspicious. 

Their little meet ups in the music room have seemed to become a weekly thing now. Jaebum found himself in Youngjae’s company at least one to two times a week, discussing the new piece that the younger is working on or simply relearning how to play the piano himself. Not that he was going to become a professional pianist overnight, but at least he knew he could for sure play a nursery rhyme or two at this point. 

“You’ve been pretty quiet,” Youngjae suddenly murmurs out while he scratches something on the music sheet again, gaze focused on his editing but clearly, focused on Jaebum as well.

Jaebum shifts a little awkwardly on the bench, surprised that Youngjae would even notice, and also surprised that he would have enough guts to say something about it. It’s been a couple weeks since first meeting but even so, Jaebum really didn’t know that much about the raven-haired boy besides the small pieces of information that he’s divulged in the midst of conversation. And the same goes for him, as well. In fact, Jaebum thinks he probably knows more about Youngjae than the other of him.

And again. He really didn’t know much, so that said a lot for Youngjae’s knowledge of him.

“I’m just tired.” Jaebum finally mumbles out, and it’s partially true. Youngjae chuckles a little beside him.

“All that cleaning finally catching up to you?” He teases, smile growing on his face when Jaebum makes a sound of annoyance.

“You try cleaning three floors by yourself and get back to me on if you feel tired or not.” Jaebum counters, to which Youngjae makes a face, easily giving in.

“Touché.”

They fall quiet again, Youngjae sitting back and tucking the pencil he’s been writing with behind his ear, fingers finding the keys once more and starting from the beginning of the piece, the melody playing out to fill their silence once more.

Jaebum finds the entire setting to be rather peaceful, and it brings a very strong sense of relief, washing over him and making him want to sigh and release all the tension he’s been building up in his body. The empty music hall meant nobody bothering him; Youngjae being the only exception. His presence felt light, easing away some of the heaviness that had begun to weigh him down. Jaebum isn’t sure what it is about the younger that managed to do that, but he wasn’t going to question it either, taking the moment of peace without complaint.

Youngjae’s fingers falter at a certain part and Jaebum looks over as the younger immediately withdraws his hands, making a face of displeasure. Watching the other as he worries at his bottom lip, Jaebum finally musters up the effort to talk.

“What’s bothering you about it?” He asks, gaze not faltering when Youngjae turns to finally look over at him, small frown on his face.

“I’m really not sure.” He mumbles out, fingers hovering over the familiar keys once more and attempting to play out the notes again, the lines of his frown growing when it doesn’t sit right with him again and he pulls his hands away. “It just doesn’t sound right or feel right. Each time I try to adjust it it just seems to get further away from me.” Jaebum does his best to ignore the disappointed tone in Youngjae’s voice, lips pressing together to look at the music sheet and then back down to the keys in front of them.

“Maybe you should just scrap that part entirely and start over.”

Youngjae makes a face, “Is that your solution to everything?” he asks, but his tone is light, and Jaebum doesn’t take it personally, lazy grin stretching onto his face.

“Maybe. But only because it works.”

This time Youngjae lets out a small whine, lips pouting and the child-like action makes Jaebum snort in amusement. “You don’t have to do what I say. I’m just offering an alternative. If you want to continue to struggle until you maybe have a breakthrough, that’s on you.” Jaebum rests his elbow on the arm of the piano, cupping his chin and continuing to look onto the other with amusement.

“Don’t say it like that.” Youngjae huffs out, feigning a glare when Jaebum raises his brow. 

“Say it how?” 

“You make it sound like if I don’t go with what you’re suggesting, then I’ll be going with the decision that just seems so obviously stupid.”

Jaebum grins at that. “I mean—you said it. Not me.”

A laugh slips when Youngjae hits him in complaint, but his laughter betrays the act he’s trying to put on. “It’s going to take me forever to complete this,” Youngjae starts with a heavy sigh, head shaking as he looks back to the music sheet sitting on the stand. “I’m too much of a perfectionist. This was my whole problem with the song I was making for my mom, too. I wanted it to be perfect so I kept taking longer and longer, until—“ he stops, another sigh slipping and Jaebum feels an ache of sympathy in his chest. 

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting something to be perfect. I don’t see that as a bad thing at all. It just means you know what you want and you won’t settle. You want to be happy with the final result, don’t you?”

Youngjae bites at his bottom lip, nodding his head, and Jaebum subtly nods along with him.

“Then take as long as you need and make it perfect. I’m sure anyone would love whatever final result you end up with, but what matters is that you love it too.” 

“I guess you’re right.” Youngjae mumbles out, lips pursing and Jaebum huffs out a laugh.

“You guess? I just gave you some of the most insanely deep and personal advice I’ve ever given someone in my entire life, and you’re going to respond with that?”

A smile finds Youngjae’s face immediately when he hears the tone Jaebum puts on, looking back to him and laughing, loud and obnoxiously but Jaebum doesn’t mind it. A hand comes out to rub at his shoulder and Jaebum’s body sways with it as he feigns an irritated expression, doing his best to ignore Youngjae’s attempt to ‘console him’. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way!”

Jaebum gives a look that only brings more laughter from the other.

“Hyung! Stop! I do appreciate your words of wisdom! I’ll even listen to what you said and start over, okay? Is that good enough?” Youngjae’s tone has sarcastic undertones to it that Jaebum is picking up on, but he also knows he’s being sincere, so he lets out a dramatic huff and waves the other off. “ _I guess_.” He teases, lips pressing together to smother the smile that threatens to spread when Youngjae erupts into laughter and starts hitting him again, complaints about being mocked spilling between his mirth. 

Jaebum’s attempt to hold back his smile doesn’t work at all, and they’re both grinning at each other before Youngjae finally seems to collect himself, face flushing just the slightest but smile never fading. “I really do appreciate you helping me, hyung.” He says softly, actually sounding sincere this time around, and Jaebum feels a stir manifest in his chest, fluttering for a moment. He can’t remember the last time anyone had ever said something even remotely nice like that to him, and for the first time in a long time, Jaebum doesn’t feel so useless. 

“I’m glad I can help,” He replies, shrugging a shoulder. “Even though I don’t feel like I’ve done much besides sit here and give you some solid advice every once in awhile.” 

Youngjae mirrors his shrug, giving Jaebum a look that makes that stir of a feeling flutter just a little bit more, holding on.

“I don’t mind.”

 

* 

 

It’s nearing eleven in the evening when he parts ways from Youngjae, knowing that the younger will text him when they should meet up next, and Jaebum pulls out his phone to look at it for the first time since walking into the music room. There are a few missed texts from Jackson as well as a missed call, and Jaebum sighs as he swipes to return it, phone pressing to his ear as he walks towards his car in the parking lot.

_“Yo! JB! Are you finally done with your cleaning gig?!”_ Jackson immediately answers, and Jaebum thinks he can hear Mark’s laugh somewhere in the background along with the buzz of other voices and low music.

“Yeah.” Is Jaebum’s short response, too busy fishing into his pocket to find his keys.

_“How many rooms do they have you cleaning there, dude? That shit must take forever if you’re getting out this late.”_

Jaebum frowns as he climbs into his car, starting it up. “It’s a big school. Some buildings need more cleaning than others.” Neither Jackson or anyone knew about his meet ups with Youngjae still. It would only eventually get back to Jinyoung, and that was just not a situation Jaebum wanted to deal with yet. 

_“That sucks, man. But since you’re now so conveniently free! Come out and meet us! We miss you!”_

“We?” Jaebum repeats, sitting back in his seat. 

_“Uh, yeah, we. Mark, Jinyoungie, and me. Duh. What other ‘we’ would there be?”_

“Shut up,” Jaebum rolls his eyes, sighing to himself before shrugging even though Jackson couldn't see him doing so. “Whatever, though. I’ll meet up. Send me your location.”

_“Yes!”_ Jackson cries out in success, _“I’m sending it right now! See you soon!”_

 

 *

 

The place Jaebum ends up pulling into is familiar, and he’s thankful it’s not some night club tonight, not interested in being around too many people in such a small space. The bar is busy but it’s chill, a casual vibe given from majority of the crowd within it. It doesn’t take Jaebum long to find his small group of friends tucked away towards the back, high tables and chairs occupied and drinks spread out in front of them.

Jackson immediately perks up when he finally sees Jaebum, hand flying up into the air to wave him over as if Jaebum’s eyes don’t work. He settles into the open chair with a sigh, slouching back into it and suddenly feeling tired all over again. 

“You look like shit, man.” Mark’s voice suddenly comes in, and Jaebum frowns.

“Yeah, I feel like shit, too.” He adds on, not bothering to even deny it at this point. Mark nods as if he understands, taking a drink of his beer.

“Now’s the perfect time for you to just relax and hang out with your friends though! When’s the last time we all went out like this and just had a drink together? I feel like it’s been forever.” Jackson starts up, eyes wide and his puppy-like excitement over his friends being back together again for the night loosens Jaebum up a bit. 

“It’s been a long time.” Jinyoung finally speaks up, lips pursing. He and Jaebum share a glance towards one another for a moment, and Jaebum does his best to ignore the guilt that begins to build up. It’s become a thing now anytime he’s around his best friend. The closed-off expression on Jinyoung’s face is a constant reminder of how he had crossed a line that neither of them knew existed until he had done so. Jaebum’s knows how capable his best friend is at holding a grudge, but he had never been the one to experience it until the theater fiasco.

“We’re all just gonna have a good time tonight, okay?” Jackson cuts in, picking up on the tension between them and looking earnest.

“Are you gonna get a drink, Jaebum?” Mark asks casually, but Jinyoung is answering before Jaebum can even open his mouth. 

“That’s the last thing he needs.” His tone is snippy, frown pulling at his lips and for a moment he looks like he regrets it, but he makes no effort to take it back. Jaebum just sighs to himself, looking towards Mark and shrugging. “I’ll probably just stick with water or something.” There was no point in arguing right now and honestly, Jaebum just didn’t have it in him tonight. His emotional capacity was just about spent, and all that was left was agitation and exhaustion, and Jinyoung would not be the person that deals with either.

He probably didn’t really need to drink, anyway. Jinyoung is right.

“I’ll go get you a water then!” Jackson announces, hopping down from his chair and making his way over to the bar, and Mark speaks up again to keep an easy conversation going.

“How  _is_  everything going with the community service thing?” The elder questions, looking genuinely curious.

Jaebum shrugs, bringing a hand up to rub at his eyes. “It’s boring and nothing special but it’s not terrible. I really can’t complain.” That’s not true, he definitely could, but there was a time and place for everything as well as no point. His complaints would fall on merciless ears. Jaebum could feel Jinyoung’s gaze on him. 

“Yeah.” Mark mumbles out. “Nothin’ like cleaning a toilet to finally make you get your shit together.”

There is a beat of silence before Jinyoung suddenly snorts. “That was a terrible pun.” 

Jaebum feels a small smile tug at his lips when Mark laughs out loud, “You don’t like my jokes, Jinyoungie?” The brunet counters, toothy smile flashing as Jinyoung rolls his eyes and sips on his own drink, but the expression on his face isn’t as cold as it had been moments ago.

“No. Because they’re terrible.”

Jackson returns and seems relieved with the shift in the atmosphere, handing Jaebum his water and immediately striking up a new conversation, the four of them falling into the comfortable familiarity that they had built around one another over the years.

And it hits him in the midst of their conversation: Jaebum missed them.

It’s a thought that creeps up on him when he doesn’t expect it, gaze taking in Jinyoung as he brings a hand up to cover his smile, laugh muffled behind it. It spreads across his chest and into his lungs, tightening into his throat and Jaebum is just so tired. It feels like the weight of his actions are finally beginning to drag him down, a realization that he had missed out on a lot with his best friends making him ache in regret. This wasn’t what he wanted for himself. The Im Jaebum that existed five years ago had dreams and aspirations and had been a good friend; but now he just felt like a stranger.

Jaebum’s jaw clenches, and he brings his water to his lips in order to distract himself and hide it away, not paying attention to the discussion happening and grateful that neither of the three are pushing him to talk.

He’s finished the entire glass before he knows it, and Jaebum sits around and casually places his own input into Jackson’s heated discussion regarding why rollercoasters are dangerous and should never have been created in the first place, Mark being the only one who seems to be thwarting his argument left and right. The water he had downed eventually catches up and Jaebum excuses himself, letting them know he’s going to take a piss when Jinyoung gives him a poorly hidden look.

Jaebum finds the bathroom easily, handling his business and it’s when he’s washing his hands that he hears the door open, his eyes flickering up instinctively to look in the mirror and see who had walked in. 

His blood runs cold when he sees who it is. How long has he been here? 

“JB! Dude, what’s up!” Dae immediately recognizes him, crooked grin stretching across his face as he brings a hand up to slap at his back, initiating a friendly greeting but Jaebum wants nothing to do with it. He’s sure the look on his face says enough, and Dae seems to catch on, looking affronted for a moment before stepping back and chuckling. “What’s with that look?” He questions, remaining casual but there is a sway to his stance that indicates he’s drunk and Jaebum knows how this Dae can be.

“I don’t have a look.” He responds, acting indifferent while drying off his hands.

“Sure looks like a look to me.” Dae drawls out, scoffing a little. “I haven’t heard from you in weeks. Was wondering what the fuck happened to you that night. But I see you got out just fine.” There is a slow grin stretching across his face again and Jaebum feels his body tense. His balance between his last two remaining emotions, exhaustion and agitation, begins to tip in favor of the latter. 

“Actually, I got caught by the cops and nearly landed myself in jail.” Jaebum shouldn’t let himself fall prey to the taunting that the other presents, but he can feel that fire beginning to burn, thoughts of that night coming back to him and how he had been ditched and screwed over entirely. Dae whistles in response, making an animated face. “Looks like you managed to get yourself out of that though, didn’t you?” The other chuckles, making another face.

“Let me guess—Mommy and Daddy help you out again?”

And really, that alone was enough to set Jaebum off. 

His fist is colliding with Dae’s face before he can even think about it, and Dae rears back from the impact, letting out a groan but recovering fast enough to lash back. Jaebum is just an inch shorter than the other, but he can still overpower him. Fists grasp at Dae’s shirt as Jaebum swings him around to slam him against the wall, ignoring the trashcan that gets hit and crashes away from them.

Jaebum’s vision is bleeding red, and he doesn’t know how many times he lands a hit on Dae’s face or how many times one is landed on his own. It happens too fast for him to comprehend, and Jaebum only comes to when he hears Jinyoung angrily shouting his name, arms grabbing at his shoulders to rip him back and Jackson and Mark are right behind him, Jackson moving forward to hold Dae back against the wall.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Jinyoung’s voice rings out above him, and Jaebum is gasping for air, every part of him boiling and he feels stupid, because he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. It only makes him more frustrated, and Jaebum rips his arm out of Jinyoung’s grasp, pushing himself off the ground and stumbling out the bathroom door, ignoring the wide-eyed looks that everyone in the bar give him.

The commotion had been loud enough for everyone to hear. Jaebum has no idea what he looks like right now but he’s sure it’s a sight.

He doesn’t linger around, already seeing the security trying to come his way and he’s finding the nearest exit, attempting to calm himself down as he throws the door open and stumbles outside. The cool air hits him, and Jaebum’s chest is heaving, his eyes dropping to look at his hands. They’re busted and already bruising, trembling from the exertion and adrenaline still coursing through his body. Jaebum heaves out a gasp, hand coming out to brace against the side of the building, attempting to breathe but then the real storm comes through, back door thrown open once more and Jinyoung exits with flared nostrils and a livid expression.

“Jinyoung—“ Jaebum starts but he’s cut off when Jinyoung rears a fist back and nails him in the face. 

It knocks the breath out of him and Jaebum falls back on his ass, eyes wide as he stares up at his best friend, stunned. Jinyoung’s fists are clenched, his own chest heaving from his shallow breaths but his eyes are also glossy, unshed tears unwilling to fall.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Jinyoung rasps out, tightness in his voice familiar, despite Jaebum not having heard it in such a long time. A pang strikes through him when he knows that he’s the reason for it. Jinyoung doesn’t give him time to answer though; doesn’t seem to want to. “You’re already screwed right now, Jaebum. Do you honestly think getting into a fight in a public bar – in a bathroom – is a good idea?! Because it’s not. Why are you being like this?” Jinyoung asks, voice cracking and his knuckles go white.

“Why are you being so stupid?! You really are trying to ruin your life, aren’t you?”

Jaebum seethes, ignoring the burning sensation that begins to build behind his own eyes. “You know who that was—“ he starts but is cut off again.

“Yeah. I know, Jaebum. And he’s a piece of shit, but you know what? You could have been the bigger person and just ignored him and walked away. Not everything has to resort to dumb physical fights! He could report you if he wanted. He could get you into even more trouble and you could actually end up in jail. Do you not realize how serious this entire thing is now?!”

“I know it’s serious—“ 

“No! No you fucking don’t!”

“Jinyoungie—“ Mark’s voice comes from behind him and Jaebum looks over see Jackson and Mark standing in the background. Mark’s face gives nothing away but there is a worried furrow in Jackson’s brow, and if Jaebum’s vision wasn’t beginning to blur just the slightest, he’d see that the blond looks close to tears himself, too.

“You’re on a probation right now. Just because you didn’t fucking end up in jail doesn’t mean you get to take the easy way out. It doesn’t mean you’re untouchable now. There are rules you have to follow. They could take away those community hours so fast if they see you acting out like this. You’re ruining your fucking life and you know what? You’re starting to ruin mine, too!” Jinyoung’s voice cracks again, a tear breaking and streaking down his cheek.

Jaebum’s mouth snaps shut, unable to respond to any of it, the verbal assault doing the damage that Jinyoung is intending for it to do.

“Jinyoung.” Jackson’s voice speaks out this time, and the blond appears behind the other to place a hand on his shoulder, pulling him back gently. “C’mon. Calm down.”

Jinyoung’s face goes red, arm coming up to wipe at his cheeks and remove any of the evidence of his tears, seeming to get himself barely together. 

“I’m going to stay with Jackson and Mark-hyung for awhile.” He breathes out after a moment of silence stretches between them, lips trembling and Jaebum stays where he is, sprawled out on the dirty pavement in the side alley of the bar, unable to do anything but stare at his best friend and hate himself even more. 

Jinyoung’s lips part again, as if he wants to say something else, but he stops. Instead, he look directly into Jaebum’s eyes and Jaebum  _feels it_.

He feels the severity of the disappointment there and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever felt in his entire life. It tightens it’s hold around his neck and nearly wrings it. Makes him want to curl into a fetal position and ache around it in despair. His parents had always been his financial support, but Jinyoung had been his real support. The one who dealt with him and helped him when he needed it. The one who gave him chance after chance and encouraged him to do better each time. The one who had promised to never stop being his best friend when they were eight years old, laid out on his bed and reading books together.

Jaebum’s face begins to throb and hurt, cheek already beginning to swell, and he can only watch in silence as Jackson wraps an arm around Jinyoung’s shoulders and pulls him in close when the other finally turns away, taking him off in the opposite direction while Mark stays behind, face still remaining neutral. 

Their eyes meet after a second and Mark finally moves towards him, steady hands grabbing his arms and pulling him up off the ground, and Jaebum has to grab onto Mark’s own arms to brace himself because the world spins.

“I’ll take you home, okay, Jaebum? You can’t drive right now.” Mark mumbles out, reaching into Jaebum’s pocket to grab his keys and then helping him out towards the parking lot, finding his car and easing him into the passenger seat. Jaebum doesn’t talk at all. The entire ride home he remains silent, and so does Mark. With the agitation now out of his system, Jaebum is only left to deal with the exhaustion, and it’s a lot to take in at once.

He doesn’t remember anything past struggling up the stairs with Mark to get towards his apartment door.

Jaebum just wakes up the next morning with a splitting headache, face a multitude of colors and swollen in the worst ways, a black bruise around his left eye and a cut on the bridge of his nose that’s dried over with blood. He’s got a couple cuts in his lips as well. His knuckles don’t look any better. The shower he takes is careful and hot, attempting to take the aches and pains away as best as he can and it’s not until he’s making his way into the kitchen that he sees Mark passed out on the couch.

The silence stretches even more when Mark does eventually wake up. The elder cleans him up a little bit more, forces pain killers down his throat, and makes his departure an hour later, murmuring something about calling him tonight to check on him and then leaving Jaebum alone in the apartment.

And then Jaebum just goes numb.

 

* 

  

When Youngjae sends him a text a few days later, Jaebum considers not responding to it. He’s done nothing but lay around his apartment until needing to start his hours at the university, the repetition of it extending the feeling of emptiness that’s been eating away at him. Jaebum should of just not responded, because he’s in no mental state to really be around anyone, and he certainly doesn’t look appropriate to be around, either. 

The bruises haven’t faded, colors turning darker over the past day or so, but the swelling eventually went down and the cuts on his lips were healing as well as the one on his nose. Jaebum still looked rough, and showing up looking the way he did would just be alarming, but he stares for a hour at the text message Youngjae sends asking to meet up again before realizing that he just can’t do it. 

Or, he won’t do it. He won’t say no.

So, the look on Youngjae’s face when Jaebum enters the music room later that night, after changing into his normal clothes and dragging it out for as long as he can, was expected.

“Holy shit—“ Youngjae gasps out in shock when he turns around with an initial smile to greet Jaebum but it falls and his words die when he sees the state the elder is in.

“I know.” Jaebum mumbles out, refusing to make eye contact as he takes a seat on the bench in front of the piano.

“What happened?!” Youngjae exclaims, worry evident in his tone as he appears next to Jaebum just seconds later, sitting on the other side of the bench but turning to face him, legs pressing together due to the small and limited space the bench provides.

“What does it look like?” Jaebum snips out, but immediately regrets it, wincing and closing his eyes. He takes a second to collect himself and then speaks once more. “I did something stupid and got into a fight.”

The look of worry is still evident on Youngjae’s face, lips parted in his shock and brow furrowed as his gaze sweeps across Jaebum’s injuries over and over again, as if trying to comprehend it all but he can’t. The younger seems to pick up on the solemn aura emitting from Jaebum, though, because his voice drops to one that’s of a softer kind. “Are you alright?” And Youngjae speaks to him with a gentle care that Jaebum hasn’t felt yet since everything blew up for him a few days ago. Not with Jinyoung, which was understandable, and not with Mark either, which was also understandable. His friends were all upset with him; because Jaebum was the asshole again. Their disappointment and lack of sympathy this time around was justified. Mark called to check up on him but there was silence from Jackson and Jinyoung – but Jaebum has a feeling that whatever was happening on the other side needed to be cared for as well.

They could care for Jinyoung a lot better than Jaebum could right now, anyway.

He swallows around the tightness that has been ebbing and flowing through his throat, that numbness having never left but when it does fade just the slightest, Jaebum just feels a deep ache that clutches around his heart and squeezes.

“I’m fine.” He whispers out, but he’s not sure if he’s trying to convince Youngjae right now or if he’s trying to convince himself. His hands come up to cover the piano keys in front of him, gaze falling on the bruises of his knuckles, and fingers pressing down to play notes mindlessly. The sound is jarring and choppy, abrupt and lacking flow or rhythm. It sounds horrible.

Jaebum feels like it matches how he feels right now.

Because he’s not fine.

He hasn’t been fine in years.

Youngjae’s hand comes into his vision to rest across the one nearest to him, fingers tentative as they curl around it to pull it away, but not letting go.

Jaebum can feel the younger’s gaze but he can’t look, and part of him wants to tear his hand away as well, the touch of it too soft and too gentle. It’s all too much and Jaebum doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t know how to handle it. His hand twitches in Youngjae’s grasp when he considers taking it back once more, but Youngjae’s other hand comes up quickly to grasp around it as well as if he knows what Jaebum’s thinking, the warmth of his palms seeping into Jaebum’s skin.

“Hyung…” Youngjae finally speaks up, and his voice still sound like it cares, but how could he? How could Youngjae care about him when he knew nothing about him.

“Why do you care?” The words slip but they lack their normal bite, and Jaebum can’t even be bothered to mind at this point, feeling too drained.

“Why wouldn’t I care?” Youngjae asks back, voice sounding a little small.

“You shouldn’t.”

“I shouldn’t?” Youngjae repeats, frowning. “I shouldn’t care about you?”

Jaebum inhales a shaky breath, lifting his head to tip back, gaze flickering up towards the ceiling because Youngjae’s words are just becoming a reflection of Jaebum’s own thoughts as he repeats then outloud. Jaebum barely cares about himself so why would anyone, especially someone like Youngjae, feel the need to care about him. He was nearly nothing. Jaebum felt his shininess dulling each day, like a toy or item forgotten about or broken, unable to be fixed or restored to it’s natural shiny state. And what is appealing about that?

“You shouldn’t.” Jaebum repeats, his voice sounding tight now.

“And you shouldn’t say things like that, hyung.” Youngjae mumbles out, face falling as he watches the elder carefully, hands still wrapped around Jaebum’s one hand. Jaebum can only laugh a little at the comment, but there’s no humor behind it. And neither of them speak for a couple minutes, the atmosphere falling over them both and Youngjae moves in closer. Jaebum’s head drops from where he’s been fixated up towards the ceiling, looking back down but seeing Youngjae’s own head duck, attempting to catch his eye.

“Can you please look at me?” The younger asks, a small plead in his tone, and Jaebum feels his head shake, but his resolve is beginning to shatter slowly around him.

“Please?” Youngjae presses in a gentle tone, waiting a beat of a moment before removing one of his hands to reach up and press lightly on Jaebum’s cheek, and Jaebum can do nothing but simply follow the movement that it directs. His gaze shifts to finally look at Youngjae, who looks worried, a frown on his lips, but it’s the genuine emotion in the younger’s eyes of something Jaebum can’t name but he can feel that finally seems to end it all.

It takes a hammer to whatever resolve is left and destroys it completely, the pieces and remnants of it falling into every corner of Jaebum’s body. His tears fall before he can even anticipate them, and Youngjae moves in quick the second he sees them, arms wrapping around Jaebum’s shoulders and yanking him into an embrace that Jaebum can only slump his entire body against.

“ _I’m fine._ ” Jaebum heaves out, hands coming up to grasp at Youngjae’s shirt, not knowing what else to do but pull him in closer and take what he can from the comfort being provided. He still feels stupid, falling apart in someone’s arms whose younger than him and barely knows him, but it’s the warmest thing Jaebum’s felt in a long time and it melts whatever cold exterior was left around him.

He’ll give a fuck about this entire situation later on when he’s home, alone in his apartment, with nothing to do but drown in his thoughts again.

“You’re not fine.” Youngjae mumbles out against the side of his head, arms tightening around him. Jaebum is silent for a moment before he shakes his head. But Youngjae stays firm. “You’re not fine, hyung, but that’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” And the younger really has no idea of what’s happening right now in his life besides the obvious. Youngjae really doesn’t know that he’s going to be okay. But in that moment Jaebum let’s himself believe it because he needs to. 

“It’s okay to not be fine sometimes. You don’t always have to be fine, and constantly pretending to be can be more exhausting than just letting yourself go. So just let it out, hyung.” Youngjae whispers to him, like it’s a secret just between the two of them.

Jaebum’s arms only tighten around him a little bit more.

 

* 

 

He’s always preferred silences. Loud settings and chaotic people had never vibed well with Jaebum —at least when sober— but the silence that greeted him every time he walked into his apartment lately was a silence that Jaebum hated with every fiber of his being. It clutched around him as he laid in bed that night, fingers twirling a small business card in between them, gaze fixated on the ceiling of his bedroom.

All Jaebum can do is think. About everything that he’s done and everything that was happening now.

His phone dings somewhere on his bed, forgotten about and Jaebum has a feeling it’s either Mark or Youngjae, but he makes no move to find it. 

Instead, he thumbs at the corner of the card in hand before slowly bringing it up to his eye level, finally looking at it. 

 

 

> **_KIM HYOLYN_ **
> 
> **_LICENSED MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR & FAMILY THERAPIST_ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this became a little sad and although i had intended for it to be a sad chapter regardless, bc i wanted to address jaebum's internal struggles since they're apart of his character right now and important, it still became a bit more than i thought it would. 
> 
> hopefully it's not too sad. i promise everything will be fine! we just gotta be patient :")))
> 
> also, dae is just a fictional character that i made up! i didn't want to use an actual idol for such a negative character. rip.
> 
> i have a [cc account](https://curiouscat.me/springjaes) that i've decided to set up on the off chance that anyone has questions towards this fic or any of my other ones as well, or just comments in general! feel free to leave anything (besides hate. i'm sensitive don't be mean to me). i'm always happy to talk to anyone!
> 
> until next time! ♡


	4. motif

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ **!!!** ] trigger warnings: anxiety / depression, self-loathing. (the general things that have been a reoccurrence in the last chapters, really.)

The therapist that Taecyeon had suggested, whose name was Dr. Kim Hyolyn, has a certain aura about her that Jaebum has come to slowly start to warm up to.

Their first meeting together hadn't been much of anything special. It was simple introductions exchanged between the two of them that slowly shifted into a series of rather basic questions for Jaebum to answer. It was a standard example of a mandatory first meeting between one therapist and one poor soul who desperately needed to release the emotions that he had spent far too long bottling up.

Her questions had ranged from his favorite childhood past time to what his favorite tv show to watch currently was, and nothing seemed to edge towards too personal, her interest seeming genuine regardless of his mundane answers. Dr. Kim Hyolyn seemed to take even the most boring of his responses seriously, keen on having some sort of full understanding as to who he was as a person.

It stayed like that until about two sessions ago; and now Jaebum could feel the prodding of fingers eager to slip into his mind and explore the things he has been trying so hard to keep hidden.

Being flippant and dismissive of the therapeutic aspect of it all was beginning to become hard to do, though, when Dr. Kim had a certain way of getting someone to talk. 

That someone, specifically, being himself.

The best way that Jaebum could describe her was that she managed to feel familiar. She vaguely reminded him of how he felt when meeting Youngjae for the first time; a light feeling of genuine goodness radiating from her. Jaebum finds himself drawn to it like a moth to a flame once more, not sure if it's the chance to spew out all his bottled up feelings that is making him capable of finally opening up a little, or if Kim Hyolyn really is just that good at her job.

He's still pretty half and half on that one, really.

"So, I have a question for you."

Jaebum quirks a brow from where he's sitting on the couch Dr. Kim has in her office, slumped down in it and resting against the few pillows that match the decor. "Don't you always have questions for me?" He can't help but retort, but there's no actual harshness in his words, just that natural edge of sarcasm he's known for.

Dr. Kim gives him a smile, brushing her brown hair behind her shoulders and looking amused. "It is part of my job to ask questions, yes, and you being my client should answer them as honestly as you feel comfortable doing so."

He scoffs a little but makes no effort to respond back, simply nodding his head for her to continue.

"You seem hesitant to talk about your home life. Specifically, your parents. We've discussed quite a bit of what's happened to you recently but you've been very careful to evade most topics regarding them. Why is that?"

A frown pulls at Jaebum's lips immediately but can he really be annoyed right now? This was obviously going to come up at some point in their sessions. He's only been going to them for two weeks but part of him had been a little hopeful that she wouldn't touch on that so soon, seeing as he was more distraught about the current drama that was unfolding in his life.

His community service hours. Dae reappearing and setting him off. Jinyoung having not spoken to him for the entirety of those two weeks. Youngjae.

"I just don't get along with them," Jaebum answers vaguely, shrugging his shoulders.

"Did something specific happen to make you not get along with them, or has it always been that way?" Dr. Kim continues, making the frown on Jaebum's face deepen.

"You could say something happened, yeah, but we've never been that close to begin with."

Dr. Kim nods at his answer, peering down at the clipboard she has resting on her crossed legs and writing something on it quickly, and Jaebum has to stop his leg from jiggling as anxiety begins to bubble up from the sensitive topic beginning to be breached.

"What about them, would you say, makes you not feel close to them?" Dr. Kim finally asks after a couple beats of silence, lifting her gaze to peer back at him patiently.

Jaebum inhales slowly, head tilting back to press into the couch as the soles of his shoes seem to dig into the carpet beneath them. It's almost as if he's trying to literally ground himself in order to talk about this subject. His breath quickens and he is immediately attempting to calm it. There had been a brief discussion about his anxiety at the beginning of his sessions where she had suggested multiple breathing methods for him to attempt when he felt everything begin to become overwhelming. He's been trying them out from time to time, just like he is now, but Jaebum can't really tell if they're actually making much of a difference yet.

It's a weird middle ground where he almost wants it to work, so much so that he feels like mentally he could be tricking himself into thinking it is working, almost like a placebo. But then the pessimistic part of his brain comes up, telling him that it's probably not working, because he's literally just breathing.

It still doesn't stop him from trying to do them anyway, though.

_Breathe in._

_Breathe out._

_Breathe in._

"Talking about them seems to put you on edge," Dr. Kim says after watching him for a moment, brow raising.

_Breathe out._

"Like I said, we've never been very close. We have very different ways of thinking and have never been able to see eye to eye on things except money."

"So you think that money is the only thing that keeps a relationship there between you and your parents?" Dr. Kim questions.

A snort of bitter amusement slips. "I don't think so. I know so." Jaebum responds, rolling his eyes a little.

"Have you ever tried talking to them about your feelings on that?"

Breathing slowly once more Jaebum feels that bitterness begin to grow, a critical expression crossing his face as he looks at his therapist directly.

"They'd have to actually care about my feelings in order for that to be effective in any way."

Dr. Kim quirks her head to the side, making a considering look. "And you think they don't care about your feelings?"

"If there's one thing I know for sure about my relationship with my parents," Jaebum starts, that bitterness morphing into a smile that quirks onto the edge of his lips, the feelings of the past burning in his chest and he can feel the scorch of it as the next words leave his lips.

"It's that they have never cared about my feelings once. They only care about themselves and what they want from me. Nothing about what I want for myself matters."

He does his best to ignore the emptiness that aches in his chest, almost afraid that somehow, Dr. Kim will be able to see it with her own piercing eyes and read him like an open book. Jaebum frowns again, "My life doesn't matter unless they get to control it. It'll always be like that. It won't ever change."

Dr. Kim's gaze lingers on him for a couple seconds before she makes a hum of understanding, peering down towards her notebook once more and silently writing in it.

Jaebum feels that empty ache spread.

 

*

 

What part of his pitiful brain had thought socializing after a therapy session was a smart idea?

The mental exhaustion left after his time with Dr. Kim wears heavily on Jaebum’s body, making him want to sink further into the chair he's currently sitting in at the small café near the college that he had agreed to meet Jackson at. The blond had finally started to talk to him a week or so ago, and although he refused to reveal any information regarding Jinyoung or the state that his best friend was in, Jaebum was still relieved that the other was at least talking to him again and making an effort to check on him.

He had been, admittedly, a little scared for a bit that not only had he severed his relationship with Jinyoung, but also his friendships with Mark and Jackson as well.

Not that he would of blamed them seeing that Jaebum hadn't been much of a real friend lately to any of them.

The fact that Jackson had reached out to him though made him grateful and had been enough of a reassurance that their friendship was still somewhat intact; but Jaebum still felt that familiar anxiety nestled in his gut as he waited for his friend to make his appearance.

When Jackson does finally enter the café and their eyes meet across the room, the easy smile the stretches across the other's face makes it immediately easier for Jaebum to breathe, and he does so slowly as his friend makes his way over with that usual pep in his step, taking the seat across from him and giving him a once over before laughing abruptly.

"You look like you're about to shit yourself, dude." Jackson snickers out, grin stretching across his face some more. Jaebum would normally roll his eyes and snidely tell the other to shut up but the retort doesn't come, the feeling of as if he's tiptoeing on the edge of everything keeping him at bay.

Yeah, agreeing to meet up with Jackson after a therapy session was definitely not the greatest idea.

At least he was still capable of making horrible decisions.

"I guess I just wasn't expecting this," Jaebum finally mumbles out, motioning to Jackson's entirety and the other sits back and drops the smile to give him a sympathetic look.

Just like that, the light-hearted mood seems to fizzle away.

Jaebum doesn't know how to get it back; doesn't know how he would be capable of it even if he tried.

"Look, JB, I'm-" Jackson pauses, sighing to himself and folding his arms across his chest before shrugging his shoulders. "I'm not gonna say I'm cool with what happened a few weeks ago because I'm not, but I feel like my reasons for not being okay with it aren't entirely the same as for, say, Jinyoung's reasons."

Jaebum quirks a brow, confused as to what the other is talking about. "What does that mean?" he asks after a moment, unsure if he even wants to know the answer.

"I mean I'm not upset with you for punching that fucking douchebag in the face."

Jaebum is caught off guard and it shows in his expression, but he feels a little relieved at the thought of potentially having someone on his side in regards to his actions that night. No part of Jaebum was proud of what he had done and yeah, it was really stupid of him to do especially in the predicament he was already currently in, but Dae had deserved what he got and no part of Jaebum could think otherwise.

"You're not?" Jaebum asks cautiously, careful not to jump to assumptions even though he's sure Jackson means what he's saying. The blond nods his head.

"I get why you did it. The whole thing is still fresh and just- you know, I get it, okay? It wasn't the smartest thing to do but I'm not going to condemn you for doing something that I think anyone would have done if they were in your shoes. I know I personally was holding myself back as well just having to keep that guy away from you once we broke you two apart."

Jaebum sighs heavily, feeling the oxygen leak back into his lungs. "That makes me feel a little better," he mumbles out, picking at the empty coffee cup sitting in front of him on the table.

"Yeah. So, I get that. I'm totally cool with that one, dude. What I'm not cool with though is how it's all affecting Jinyoung."

And there's that weight once more. At least he had been able to enjoy breathing for a few seconds there.

Jaebum feels his walls go up immediately at the mention of his best friend, that unhealed wound aching despite wanting to know how he's doing. 

"Understandable," Jaebum says slowly, eyes falling to focus on the cup still in his hands, trying to distract himself with it.

"I haven't been telling you anything about him lately out of respect for his own wishes, but between you and me, he's really messed up over this. I know that you didn't do any of this intentionally to hurt him or whatever, but you out of all people should know that he likes to take on responsibility for you and takes a lot of what you do to heart."

"I'm aware." Jaebum's response is snippy, the heaviness of Jackson's words only serving as a reminder as to how horrible of a best friend he's been to Jinyoung lately, and Jaebum knows he really isn't allowed to react in such a way when he's the cause for all the pain in the first place.

But it  _hurts._

The truth fucking hurts, and he doesn't like how it stings and slices away at him right now.

"So... what are you going to do about it?" Jackson asks a minute later, catching him off guard.

"What do you mean?" Jaebum asks questioningly.

"I mean," Jackson quirks a brow, seeming unbothered by the serious topic but that's always been the blond anyway. His carefree spirit was true to its nature but Jaebum knew how capable the other was at concealing his actual feelings about things as well. He may seem calm right now but Jackson wouldn't be bringing the situation up if he wasn't concerned about it. He's always been more of a talker through things, something that Jaebum struggled with for a long time but eventually somewhat learned how to do with Jackson specifically, seeing as it was the only way to get through to the other.

"What are you going to do to make up for all of this? Jinyoung obviously still cares about you and loves you, you guys are best friends, but I'm kind of at a loss right now if we're being honest," A frown tugs at the blond's lips. "I can only do so much to help him. Same with Mark-hyung. We're doing our best to get him in a better place but the only person who is actually going to be able to help in the long run is you. So if you haven't started thinking of an apology and a plan yet to get him back on your team and wanting to get through all of this with you, then I suggest you start soon."

"It's not that easy," Jaebum starts, sitting up in his chair and leaning onto the table now, beginning to show the exhaustion that he's feeling. 

"Sure it is. I know you'll both be fine, but I think it's up to you this time to fix it." Jackson sounds so assured with what he's saying, as if he knows it's the truth and fully believes it. Jaebum wants so badly to believe them too but his mind just isn't allowing him to right now.

He can't forget the look on Jinyoung's face from that night. Truthfully, it still makes him want to curl in on himself sometimes.

"I'm trying, okay?" Jaebum breathes out, bringing his hands up and rubbing them across his face, feeling his shoulders slump. "I'm really trying."

Jackson watches him for a moment, taking in the broken image that's presented before him and then letting his face fall into a softer expression.

"I believe you, hyung. But it's not me you have to convince of that."

Jaebum drops his hands and lets them rest on top of the table, looking at the other across from him for a moment before slowly nodding his head in acceptance, finally allowing himself to acknowledge that it's up to him to attempt to piece together whatever bits of his friendship are still remaining with Jinyoung. At no point in his life did Jaebum think that he would be where he is right now, fearful of losing the other. Imagining a life without Jinyoung as his best friend wasn't an option and wasn't a life he wanted to live.

He didn't want that; so he will fix things. 

Somehow.

_Breathe in._

"Well, I don't know about you, but a tea sounds fantastic right now!" Jackson suddenly chirps out, flashing him a smile and dropping the morose mood that had begun to settle around the two of them.

"Let me get you another coffee, okay? I'll be right back!" Jaebum doesn't even bother declining, falling back against his chair and pulling out his phone as Jackson leaves to order their drinks, peering at the screen as it lights up.

Now that he was thinking about it, there were a few things that Jaebum probably really needed to be trying to fix at the moment, Jinyoung not being the only one.

_Breathe out._

He finds himself swiping to his messages and opening to the last one he had received from Youngjae, noting that it had been sent to him just a few days ago.

It’s the one that Jaebum had left unanswered just like the other messages the younger had attempted to send him the past two weeks since their last encounter.

It wasn't an overabundance of messages. There were only four total.

The first was Youngjae letting him know he had free time to meet up for one of their music sessions, which Jaebum hadn't bothered missing since up until that point, but that night he had finished up his janitorial duties and went straight home, not allowing himself to respond back to it even with an apology or an explanation.

The second was just another message like the first, and Jaebum's response remained the same.

The third was a message that came the next day, Youngjae asking if he was okay and if he needed to talk to anyone he could message him.

And the fourth one...

 

 **From: Youngjae**  

 

The guilt begins to build immediately once he reads over the messages again.

In all honestly, after reading those messages the first time around, Jaebum hadn't been entirely sure how to respond to them or Youngjae.

He had felt bad. About all of it.

In most of the scenarios in Jaebum's life he was rather good at cutting people off without any remorse when he felt that he needed to, but all he felt was this familiar sense of guilt when it came to him pulling a disappearing act on Youngjae. 

He could play in his river of denial for as long as he wanted, but Jaebum knew that the guilt had everything to do with the fact that Youngjae hadn't done anything to actually deserve being ghosted like he was, unlike all the other people in his life that he had cut off for one reason or another. The more he thought about it, the worse he felt.

Jaebum had had an emotional breakdown and let Youngjae comfort him for nearly two hours that night. And afterwards, when the realization of what he had done hit him, at how he had allowed someone to see him so vulnerable and broken like that really settled in; that wall went up again. Jaebum forced himself to not respond to the messages and as the days passed he began to feel every bit of his actions as he slowly came down from the emotional high.

His mind had been in hell, foggy and overwhelming with all that was happening and it wasn't until recently that he was able to think more clearly about things and realize that he had definitely probably fucked up whatever weird thing he had had with Youngjae.

The thought of that hurts and the feelings hit him unexpectedly. There's a tight grip in his chest right now that's making him feel that regret he's been attempting to ignore.

Regret because perhaps he had begun to actually enjoy their time together in that little music room. Those few hours spent with Youngjae had begun to become the only moments that provided solace and peace for Jaebum. Where he could take his mind off his real life and focus in on something else for once. Focus in on something that he hadn’t allowed himself to fall into for a long time. The reality was that Jaebum had began to feel that spark of passion again for music. It sparked somewhere in the depth of his soul every time Youngjae played the piano, or they discussed lyrics, or the other sang out the very lines that he had been working so hard to perfect. The spark had been small in those moments but it had been there; and Jaebum had just let it go again. Just like he did all those years ago.

But what could he do now?

He had ignored four of Youngjae's messages very blatantly and that last message had been nothing but sincere. If Jinyoung were still talking to him and aware of the situation he had gotten himself into, he would have scolded him to hell and back by now.

Jaebum knew he could unintentionally come off as an asshole at times; but for once he actually felt like one.

Asshole.

“I don’t get how you can drink this stuff. It’s so gross!”

Jackson’s voice breaks through his thoughts and Jaebum blinks as an iced Americano is placed in front of him, his gaze lifting to watch Jackson take the seat across from him once more, sipping on the hot tea he ordered and peering at his phone.

His fingers grip around his own phone a little tighter, the emotions coursing through him making his stomach churn. His tongue feels like it’s glued to the roof of his mouth right now, but Jaebum feels the words still wanting to slip. He feels them and he wants to swallow them down because this was his mess. He didn't deserve to unload his bad decisions onto someone and request that they fix them for him. Every part of him wanted to reach out, desperate for some sort of guidance from someone familiar and comforting. 

There is a heavy feeling of loss beginning to eat away at him, and honestly, Dr. Kim Hyolyn can go fuck herself right now. These stupid therapy sessions were making it more and more difficult to successfully hide away all these emotions that he had been able to for years. The metaphorical shield he had worked so hard to protect himself with felt flimsy and useless now, and it only proved to be so when Jackson finally looked up from his phone to say something but then stops abruptly.

Jaebum's going to assume it’s because of whatever expression on his face right now.

“Are you okay?” Jackson asks after a second, eyes looking concerned. Jaebum lifts his head up a bit to relieve some of the tightness still in his throat, trying to unstick his tongue from the top of his mouth and just say what he wants to say out loud, but it’s never been that easy for him.

Asking for help? Putting trust and blind faith into someone other than himself? Opening up that small bit of his soul and hoping that whoever sees it doesn’t bruise it anymore than it already has been?

Weakness was not something that Jaebum liked to show.

And he was so, so weak. In almost every aspect of his life.

Jaebum feels as if he is walking down a pitch dark corridor with a flashlight in his hand but the batteries, he's discovered, are dead. He can't see where he needs to go at all.

But that doesn't mean he was incapable of figuring it out. Dead flashlight or not.

He didn't need to drag Jackson into this.

_Ding!_

The small bell perched above the door to the entrance of the café catches his attention all the sudden. It’s gone off multiple times in the small amount of time he’s been here already, but his mind focuses in on it right in that moment and instead of responding to Jackson, who is still watching him with worry, his gaze shifts to look towards the group of three walking through the door.

It takes a moment for him to realize just who is coming up behind the first two boys, their tall statures hiding him away for a second but when Jaebum realizes it’s Youngjae trailing behind them, he feels a little nauseous.

The table Jaebum is seated at with Jackson is not very far from where they're standing, nor is it hidden away from Youngjae’s line of vision if he chose to turn and look around the café. He is sure that he would be spotted in a second, and an immediate flight mode begins to kick in, his body going tense as he considers bolting through the side door before the other sees him.

“Dude. Seriously. You’re starting to freak me out.” Jackson speaks up again, reaching across the small table this time to grab his arm and give it a tight squeeze.

Jaebum snaps his attention back to the blond in front of him, turning his head away from the raven-haired just as he looked up and in their direction.

“We have to go,” Jaebum nearly wheezes out, feeling his panic begin to grow.  

“What do you mean ‘we’? I just got here and I want to finish my tea!” Jackson argues with a whine, pouting a little and sitting back down in his seat, deep furrow in his brow. “Hyung, seriously, what is going on right now? Have you finally lost it?”

Jaebum’s gaze flickers over to Youngjae without his permission, noting that the younger seems distracted with the menu above the front counter, his friends joking and conversing with him while they wait in the line.

The movement of his eyes was quick, and he’s looking back at Jackson only seconds after, but it was enough to get the blond to instinctively turn in the same direction with a questioning expression, unsure of what he’s supposed to be seeing. “What are you-“ his words come to a halt and Jaebum watches with horror as a bright expression takes over his friend’s face now, temporarily erasing away the concern he had been showing just seconds ago in favor of something else.

“Hey! That’s Bambam! Double B!” Jackson announces loud enough for it to be heard, and Jaebum looks over in that direction once more and suddenly regrets everything.

Bambam just so happens to be one of the friends standing with Youngjae right now. Having heard his name the boy turns to look towards them, smile crossing his face as he seems to recognize Jackson as well, hand flying up to wave towards him in excitement. “What’s up!” he calls out from the line, breaking away from Youngjae and the other boy and closing the distance to come to their table.

Jaebum should have looked away but that would of been the smart thing to do and he's never been very smart, so his eyes are betraying him once more. His gaze moves to look at Youngjae again and he feels his chest squeeze when he finds the familiar brown eyes already looking at him, an unreadable expression on the younger’s face that Jaebum doesn’t know what to do about. Their gazes lock, and despite every bit of him wanting to look away, Jaebum can’t until Youngjae is the one to finally put an end to it.

And that’s only because it’s his turn to place his order with the barista at the front counter.

Jackson and the other boy, Bambam, are excitedly talking about something that Jaebum can’t even begin to understand when he's finally able to direct his attention onto them. All he knows is that he needs to leave. This was not the time nor was it the place to be running into Youngjae outside of the music room. Jaebum was not mentally prepared for any sort of confrontation right now.

He looks back to his phone in front of him, blinking when it lights up and Youngjae’s last message is still displayed on his screen.

The world just loved to fuck with him, didn’t it?

“Bambam, you can’t just ditch me at the counter like that! I panicked with what drink you wanted and I have no idea if I ordered you the right one or not. Why do yours always have to be so complicated?” A whine slips from the other boy as he approaches their table now with Youngjae lingering behind him, seeming as though he’s trying to hide behind the boy’s tall frame.

“Sorry! I just haven’t seen Jackson-hyung in forever!” Bambam explains with another smile, and Jackson practically coos over it.

“Jackson-hyung?” The other boy, Yugyeom, repeats with a raised brow, looking to Jackson and peeking at Jaebum for a moment before returning his gaze back to the blond. “Jinyoung-hyung’s Jackson?”

That catches Jaebum’s attention despite his current meltdown, and he feels his own brow quirk a bit as he looks at Jackson, who has a tight smile on his face and seems a little flustered.

“Yes! He’s one of Jinyoung-hyung’s boyfriends,” Bambam explains in a snooty tone before turning to look towards Jaebum, seeming curious despite the fact that Jaebum is currently attempting to pierce through Jackson’s red-face at the title of ‘boyfriend’ that the younger so easily used. Jackson seems to notice Bambam’s attention on Jaebum and takes advantage of the moment, ignoring his gaze stealthily.

“This is Jaebum-hyung!” the blond motions towards him and says his name with an indication that the others should find it familiar, and his thought is only proven when a look of understanding seems to cross Bambam's face and Yugyeom’s, as well.

It only makes him want to sink further into his seat now.

“So you’re the infamous Jaebum-hyung?” Bambam asks, eyeing him up and down and looking thoughtful before shrugging his shoulders. “I’ve heard a lot about you from Jinyoung-hyung.”

“All good things, I’m sure.”

“Some good things, some bad things,” Yugyeom pipes in, smirking. “Mostly just a lot of bitching and complaining, though.”

Jaebum snorts at that, shaking his head. “That doesn’t surprise me at all.”

“Bambam is a theater major like Jinyoungie,” Jackson explains, taking his seat again and offering him a little smile. “I got to know him during that period when Jinyoung kept dragging me to all his practices and rehearsals for the play.”

There's an awkward pause that lingers after Jackson's words, and they both know its because of the play being mentioned.

It's still a bit of a sore spot for everyone at this point; but more so for the ones who know the truth behind it all.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Jaebum mumbles out, attempting to hold back whatever shame that tries to creep its way up through his chest once more at the reminder of just why Jackson and him were sitting in this cafe in the first place.

Jackson seems relieved to have the attention off of him, for once, and tilts his head when he finally notices the third figure who was still attempting to fade into the background. Leaning back in his chair just far enough to get a better glance, Jackson recognizes who it is after a moment and lets out a laugh. "Youngjae-ya! What are you doing back there?" the blond asks out loud, directing everyone but Jaebum's gaze onto the raven, who flushes at it.

He doesn't even want to begin to wonder as to how Jackson knows Youngjae.

"S-Sorry! I just didn't want to interrupt," Youngjae says in a small tone but Jackson doesn't seem phased. "Since when are you so shy?" he pushes, grin growing across his face.

"I'm- I'm not being shy! It's called being considerate!" the raven retorts, childishly sticking his tongue out at Jackson who quickly mirrors it.

"What are you guys doing out here anyway? You don't even go here." Bambam asks while taking a sip of his drink, abruptly pulling it away seconds after actually tasting it. He makes a small look of disgust and Yugyeom lets out a sound of exasperation beside him.

"We're just meeting up for lunch! Jaebum-hyung does some business out this way and I was already here, so it was an easy and familiar place to meet in the middle."

"Business?" Bambam questions while looking at Jaebum again, but it's seemingly innocent. "What do you do?"

That awkward pause makes it grand reappearance at the question, and Jaebum hides his fidgeting hands when he feels everyones gaze on him suddenly, even Jackson looking a little unsure about how to intervene and pull the conversation away from that topic. He considers, for a moment, just making something up off the top of his head and rolling with it - but Youngjae's presence is there and Jaebum can't shake it off. The idea of blatantly lying in front of the other settles uneasily with him; so he chooses to embrace that lack of tact he's so well-known for and goes with it.

"I'm doing community service hours," Jaebum answers with as much ease as he can. Bambam's curiosity only seems to grow. "Community service?"

"Yeah. It was either that or jail, so I figured wasting a few hours of my life every day would be more beneficial than sitting in a cell."

As if it had received it's third encore for the day, the awkward pause returns once more, and Bambam's face openly shows the surprise he feels at how honest Jaebum had chosen to be, but he's thankful that the other doesn't seem as though he's ready to dump his coffee on him and flee the scene.

"Woah... that's intense." Yugyeom finally speaks when no one else is able to find the words to say, and Jaebum snorts and shrugs, distracting his mouth with the straw to his drink so he wouldn't have to say anything else.

"The infamous Jaebum-hyung, indeed." Bambam follows a couple seconds after, grin curling onto the edge of his lips as shrugs his shoulders. "What do they have you doing? Picking up trash and beer bottles outside and around the campus?"

Jaebum frowns, the bitterness of his drink feeling appropriate for the feeling that swells at the question. 

"Janitorial duties." Is the dull response given, and Bambam has the audacity to laugh out loud before catching himself right after. Jaebum feels a little insulted, and it looks like Bambam is about to say something before an odd expression crosses his face, and Jaebum feels like he can almost see a lightbulb go off over the other's head, even if he doesn't quite understand why. His gaze hesitates when Bambam suddenly turns to look towards Youngjae, who has been attempting to distract himself with his phone this whole time.

Yugyeom follows the movement himself before choosing to speak up again, a matching expression on his now.

"Youngjae-hyung, have you introduced yourself to Jaebum-hyung yet?" The tone is innocent, but the duo are watching their third wheeler carefully, and Youngjae lifts his head to look at them with pink-hued cheeks, clearing his throat a little before letting his gaze swivel over to look at Jaebum.

All Jaebum wants to do is avoid his gaze but the moment their eyes lock, he finds himself incapable of it once more. That guilt only begins to grow as Youngjae stares at him for a second, an expression of contemplation furrowing into his brow just the way it would when he would be focused on his writing or playing the piano, and the familiarity of it makes Jaebum ache in a way that feels foreign.

The worried thoughts immediately begin to flood his mind a second later.

Is Youngjae going to acknowledge that they already know each other? Is he going to confront Jaebum right in front of everyone about how he had been ignoring him for weeks? Jaebum feels the anxiety begin to creep it's way into the forefront of his mind; but Youngjae does none of that.

"It's nice to meet you, Jaebum-ssi."

Something in his chest lurches again.

Somehow, Youngjae simply pretending that they don't know one another hurts a lot more than Jaebum would of expected. The lack of a 'hyung' tacked onto the end of his name stings, too. His throat feels dry as he swallows the lump in it, slowly nodding his head respectively but unable to find a way to verbally respond back to it, which the younger seems more than alright with. Their eyes snap away from one another so fast that they both miss the way Bambam's perceiving gaze watches their short interaction, picking up on something and humming lightly to himself.

"Well, we'll leave you two alone so you can continue your lunch date," Bambam offers, grin crossing his face as he gives Jackson and Jaebum a short wave goodbye. "I'll text you later, hyung! We're gonna have to meet up again soon!"

"Of course! We've got a lot to catch up on!" Jackson agrees with a bright smile, seemingly unaffected by the moment just before.

"It was nice to finally meet you in person, Jaebum-hyung. Maybe I'll see you around too?" Bambam offers, his tone laced knowingly with something that Jaebum can't even for the life of him begin to understand. With that, Bambam moves away from the table and heads towards the exit, Yugyeom giving each of them a little bow and quick goodbye before rushing to catch up. Jackson hops up out of his chair just as Youngjae moves to follow, arms coming out wide and giving him an expectant look. "You're not leaving without giving me what I want!" he exclaims, and despite the tension radiating between both Jaebum and Youngjae, the younger manages a smile at Jackson's antics.

Moving into the open arms, Youngjae gives Jackson a tight hug, laughing breathily before pulling away and letting his smile stretch to his cheeks at Jackson's satisfied coos.

"You're embarrassing, hyung." he mumbles out, allowing Jackson to shake him a bit before finally freeing him from his hold.

"It's been awhile since I've seen you too! I just wanted to make sure we were still on those terms!" Jackson explained with a cheeky grin, taking his seat and sipping his tea once more.

"Of course we still are," Youngjae reassures, jumping a little when Bambam calls out to him from where they're waiting by the front entrance. He hesitates for another moment, looking at Jackson and then over at Jaebum, who has been watching silently. Jaebum ignores the that clench of his chest when Youngjae offers him a small smile, giving him a small bow and then repeating the action to Jackson, muttering a quick goodbye and then turning on his tail to catch up to Bambam and Yugyeom, who are already halfway out the door.

Jackson sighs heavily as they exit, pressing a hand to his chest dramatically.

"Such good kids." Jaebum rolls his eyes at Jackson's comment, taking another sip of his drink. He's not quite ready yet to mull over the thoughts that are piling up over what just transpired. "So," he starts instead, easily finding a distraction. " _Boyfriends?_ "

The loud scraping of Jackson's chair scooting back across the floor is the response Jaebum gets, and he watches with an unimpressed expression as Jackson looks at his bare wrist, pretending as if there is an actual watch there. "Well, would you look at the time. I've got some other things that need to be done today, you know. Busy busy!"

"Is that so?" Jaebum pushes, watching as the blond flusters. "I would of found out eventually. It's not like I didn't already have an idea."

"The time!" Jackson continues in a high-pitched tone, hands waving in the air as if he's trying to erase away the conversation. "Gotta go!"

"So soon? But your tea is not even finished yet..." The blond pauses to glance at the drink in mention, giving Jaebum a peeved look as his own words are used against him.

"I'm not allowed to have this conversation with you. Jinyoungie will hurt me if I do. I have to protect myself, you know? He can be very scary when he wants to be and Mark is  _useless_ ," Jackson drags on, collecting his stuff and picking up his drink, flashing Jaebum a peace sign. "We can continue this another time! When you aren't putting my life in danger!" 

A scoff slips from Jaebum's lips and he waves the other away, making no move to leave the table himself just yet. His gaze drops to his phone, the screen black and showing only his own distorted reflection on it, and his thoughts are already trying to invade his mind before Jackson's voice suddenly rings out again and brings him back, having apparently not left yet.

"You're okay, right?" the blond asks, watching him warily as he stands just a few feet away, seeming as if he's unsure if he should actually go or not.

"I'm fine," Jaebum answers back almost instinctively, and Jackson presses his lips together.

"You always say that!" Jackson scolds, but his voice is soft. "Just to clarify before I go. You and me? We're okay. Don't forget that. If you need to talk to someone I'm here for you, hyung. So stop hiding away like you do. It's not healthy to just live in your head all the time. Talk to someone for once."

It feels as if Jaebum is going from one counseling session to another now, but regardless, Jackson's words strike him in the right way and he finds himself nodding.

For a moment, Jaebum seriously considers telling Jackson about his therapist. He knows that his friend would support it. He would even be a little proud - Jaebum can practically hear his encouraging speech in his head now - but the thought dies away quickly. He's not quite ready to be so open about that little detail of his life just yet. Even with Jackson.

"I'm trying," he finds himself saying once more, but this time he tries to actually say it in the way he means it. Thankfully, Jackson seems to catch it, a smile crossing his face that holds lines meant solely for those who have come to witness the depth and affection in them, and it helps him to see that, too. It had been awhile since Jaebum had seen it.

"I believe you," Jackson says once more, too. "Whenever you're ready, I suggest trying to reach out to Jinyoungie. But only when you're ready."

All Jaebum can do is nod his head and watch as the blond turns and takes his own quick exit, leaving him alone once more to sit at the table with his half-empty drink, gaze falling to peer at the dark brown liquid sloshing around in the plastic cup. There is a lot for Jaebum to think about right now; almost too much. He can feel his mind attempting to shut down at the sheer idea of having to acknowledge all of it, but there is one lingering thought that won't allow him to turn it all off just yet. It's a force that's pushed it's way to the front, demanding his attention after striving for it for so long, and Jaebum wants to continue to ignore it but he can't anymore. The voice and feeling of it is so loud and it's both jarring and overwhelming all at the same time. There really is nothing he can do but think about that thought now.

And that thought is Youngjae.

 

*

 

“Do you agree with that?”

Jaebum shifts uncomfortably from where he’s still sitting, feeling the overwhelming weight of the feelings he had just revealed to Dr. Kim beginning to bear down on him. Those had been thoughts that Jaebum had been doing his best to keep locked away for a long time now. They were thoughts that only served to fuel the anger in him that he had been trying to keep smothered away. It was old anger, anger that had been festering deep in him for awhile now, and it something that didn't need to be fed. Especially in this moment.

“That, what? They should get to control my life?” The question slips from his lips with a bit of venom on the tip of his tongue, and he can feel his nostrils flaring at the spike of irritation that begins to surface despite how numb everything else feels.

“No,” Dr. Kim explains, slowly peering back up at him from behind her glasses. “Do you agree that your life doesn’t matter if they aren’t controlling it?”

The question hits Jaebum in a way he doesn't expect, the tightness in his throat squeezing as if his own feelings are trying to choke him.

It was the truth though, wasn’t it? Everything that he had been doing in his life up until this very point was all just a giant shit show that his family and his friends have had the displeasurable honor of watching with nothing but growing disappointment and grief in their eyes.

The truth was that Im Jaebum and his life had significance when it was under the control of his parents who would support him to do the things that they want him to do. He could have had it all at this point if he had just done what they wanted once he graduated high school. He could of been successful with a career, his own place, a steady income.

An actual future.

But he didn’t have that. He had nothing; and that was all his fault.

“I think that no matter what I do, my life isn’t going to matter much.” Jaebum finally speaks out loud, the words feeling heavy as he says them. Dr. Kim doesn’t stir though, only giving him an expression that tells him to continue.

But he really just wants to shut up now. He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore, and the temptation to recede into himself once more and hide away from the brutal truth of where he was in his life now was becoming a little hard to resist.

That was why he was here though, wasn't it? This was why he needed to talk about it.

And so, despite every part of his being seeming to protest, his tongue twisting as if it’s trying to stop him itself, Jaebum continues.

“If I give in to what they want. If I go crawling back on my hands and knees and kiss their feet and mold myself into this picture perfect example of the son that they’ve always wanted… then my life will matter to them, but it won’t matter to me.” Jaebum frowns, jaw clenching as he jerks his head away to look out the window to the right of where he’s sitting.

“And if I don’t do that,” He inhales slowly, his heart thumping heavily in his chest with grief, “If I just continue on with this life. I-”

That empty ache in his chest thrums, the sinking feeling of it stretching to every corner of his body and making his fingers tense up into a fist.

“I have nothing. I’ve done nothing. I’m just… nothing. I still don't matter.”

He gasps out those words, chest constricting and eyes stinging. It’s a thought that has always been there in the back of his mind. A thought that he’s ignored for as long as he could. A thought that would make itself known during those dark moments of vulnerability and weakness. It was the thought that brought feelings of bitterness and jealousy to him when he never wanted it. It was the thought that made his drunken state of mind destroy an entire theater in a fit of rage and self-hatred at the sheer idea of something so beautiful and intricate being there for people who had futures. People that had something he could of had. 

He could have been there. But instead, he had been the one to destroy it all.

Which was the only thing he really knew how to do nowadays.

“I think we know what we need to start working on now, don’t you?” Dr. Kim speaks up after a few minutes of silence, having been watching him with a thoughtful expression.

“I don’t.” Jaebum admits in a tight voice, refusing to look over at her.

“Your self-worth.”

He snorts without thinking, the concept feeling like a bit of a bad joke.

“I don’t think you’re really understanding yet how difficult I’m known to be when it comes to doing things that people want for me. Especially if it’s something good.”

“Well, we’re just going to have to change that then, aren’t we?” She asks with a raised brow, the seriousness of her words evident despite Jaebum’s pessimistic thoughts.

“Whatever,” Jaebum relents with a sigh.

“You’re not nothing. Nobody is ever nothing. Everybody is somebody, and everybody deserves some sort of happiness in their life. You do deserve to have a life that you think matters without the influence of your parents, Jaebum. So for now, I want you to work on doing things that will make you happy once you leave this room, even if they’re small.”

“I’m not sure if it’s going to be that easy.” He doesn't know why he's fighting her on this, but the thought of doing something like that makes him feel anxious.

“It can be as easy as watching a movie you love. Or going to a specific café that you enjoy sitting at. Or listening to your favorite song.”

Finally turning his head, he looks over at her once more and feels the exhaustion already beginning to nestle itself into every crook of his body, weighing it down. Any words are suddenly hard to grasp onto, but he is doing his best right now to listen and not drown away in his thoughts that are washing through his head like a whirlpool.

Jaebum eventually gives her a nod in a silent agreement. Dr. Kim gives him an encouraging smile.

“Even if it’s small. It doesn’t matter what it is. Just as long as it makes you happy.”

 

*

 

_Even if it's small._

Jaebum fidgets with the composition book in his hands, leg bouncing as he shifts on the wooden bench he’s been sitting on for nearly an hour now.

It was one of the early days for him with his janitorial duties, having been given the library to clean up after and thankfully, with the lack of tiled floors, the cleaning had been quick and relatively easy for him to handle and get done with.

So now he was sitting in a familiar music room, a grand piano behind his back and bench beneath him holding up all the weight and dread in his body that would of surely sunk him to his knees and onto the floor at this point had he not had it there to keep him up.

The anxiety had not eased up since he got here and saw that it was empty, and truthfully, Jaebum had no idea if Youngjae was even going to show up tonight.

He hadn’t texted him to meet up. They hadn’t communicated with one another since the other day at the café, and that had been brief and still stung despite it being his own fault.

This was all kind of a last minute decision, the old notebook in his hand feeling heavier by the second as each one ticked by.

It was nearing nine in the evening when Jaebum hears the sound of footsteps echoing off the floors outside the room, coming closer and closer and his head lifts right when he catches the movement of someone entering through the doorway. He doesn’t know if he wants to run away or heave on the spot when Youngjae sees him and immediately comes to a halt, the look of surprise not even attempting to be hidden at the sight of Jaebum being there.

The silence stretches but Jaebum doesn’t know what to say or how to start, face crumbling a bit and whether Youngjae feels sympathy or pity when he see’s the expression, he’s not entirely sure, but the raven is the first to break the silence.

“What are you doing here?” Youngjae asks in an unsure tone, not sounding rude but not sounding very thrilled, either.

“I was, uh,” Jaebum sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I was waiting for you.”

It takes every bit of strength in his body to keep his gaze on Youngjae when the look of confusion begins to spread, and Jaebum watches as the other seems to shift back and forth on his feet as if nervous. This heavy feeling is something new for the both of them to be feeling towards one another, and Jaebum doesn’t know how to put it into words for him to even understand. He doesn’t know why Youngjae has suddenly become this person that matters to him enough for him to seek him out himself. He doesn’t know when things shifted in that direction for the both of them; but he’s here.

He’s here, and Dr. Kim’s words are echoing through his mind, the word ‘happy’ repeating itself and keeping him grounded, his fingers still clutched tightly around his old notebook.

“Why?” Youngjae finally asks, the crestfallen look on his face making Jaebum ache again.

_It doesn't matter what it is._

“I’m sorry!” The words are blurted out because Jaebum doesn’t know how to be subtle. They're rushed and his voice trembles along with them, but they are what he knows he needs to say before anything else comes out. Blinking at the brown eyes that are now staring at him wide-eyed, Jaebum breathes in and grasps onto that small bit of confidence that is there.

“I’ve been an asshole to you and you didn’t deserve it. I got… embarrassed about what happened that night. About breaking down in front of you and it… it fucked with my head a lot afterwards. I didn’t know what to say to you or what to even think about it and since then I’ve been… dealing with it. And I-”

“It’s okay.” Youngjae cuts him off.

Something lurches in his chest and he thinks it might’ve been his heart that time.

Jaebum stops, taken aback by the ease of which Youngjae says those words and even more so by the expression that begins to morph across the raven’s face. It’s warm, so much so that it’s rattling to the familiar cold that had settled and frozen over his exterior once more the past weeks. Jaebum thinks he can almost feel that warmth from where he's sitting.

He tries again. “It’s not okay, though, Youngjae. It’s not-“ 

“If I said it’s okay, then its okay.” The younger counters immediately, shrugging his shoulders as he steps into the room with a little more assurance this time. Jaebum almost finds himself wanting to back away, feeling too exposed and unsure of how to respond. Youngjae forgiving him so quickly hadn’t been expected, and every explanation he had had bottled up in him, ready to be given in hopes that the other would be able to find some sense of pity for him to try and forgive him, is suddenly evaporating into nothing and forgotten about.

“I ignored you for weeks, Youngjae-ya. You were nothing but kind to me. I shouldn’t have done that to you,” Jaebum tries to reason once more, feeling a little dumb at attempting to get the other to be mad at him; but that’s what he had been prepared for.

“I know you did. I’ll be honest, it did kind of hurt a little, but…” Youngjae sighs before letting a smile cross his face, “You’re here now, aren’t you?”

He is. He is here now.

“I-I am, yeah.” Jaebum stutters out, swallowing the lump in his throat.

Youngjae nods and finally moves towards him, closing the distance and taking the space on the stool next to him that Jaebum had unconsciously left there for him. The raven shifts a bit and sets out his papers and folder just as he would do before the beginning of each session they would have together, thumbing through some of it to find what he wants before turning to look towards Jaebum again, who is watching him carefully with an almost wounded look on his face.

Reaching out, Youngjae rests a hand on Jaebum’s forearm and gives it a squeeze, another smile crossing his face. “It’s okay, hyung. I promise. I’m not mad at you. You’re allowed to have your own life and deal with your own things. If you say you had to deal with what was happening, then I believe you. What matters is that you’re sitting right next to me now and you feel okay again… right?”

There is a strong feeling of wonderment beginning to manifest itself through him and Jaebum isn’t sure if it’s evident on his face or not, but he can feel it in every pore of his body, sinking and bursting with a feeling of light that helps ease his chest and lets him really breathe for the first time in days.

“Right,” Jaebum repeats, turning slowly to face the same direction as Youngjae is in front of the piano. He moves and places the notebook in his hands on the stand in front of them.

It's quiet for a few more moments before Jaebum is speaking up again.

“I’m going to therapy.” Something about Youngjae being the first person to know about this feels okay. He had almost told Jackson about it the other day, but something in him had kept the words from slipping. Now though, it feels easy to admit them out loud. 

Youngjae is looking at him again in surprise, but this time there is understanding in the soft features of his face as well.

“Is it helping?” Youngjae asks.

Jaebum shrugs his shoulders, still feeling a little timid about revealing too much. “I think it will eventually. Small steps and all.”

Youngjae nods his head, offering him another smile before turning to look towards the notebook that Jaebum had placed in front of them.

“What’s that?” There is a curious tone in the raven’s voice, eyeing the composition book with the word ‘ _ **Defsoul**_ ’ written across it in bold, black letters.

“It’s my music.” Jaebum admits, shifting a little awkwardly as he looks at it as well. That old notebook holds memories that he hasn’t tried to attune himself with in a long time, the contents of the pages filled with words that came from the depths of his soul. He’s got multiple of them, but this one specifically had always been one with his favorites. It was the one that held the most importance to him.

“Did you want to play some of it?” Youngjae asks after a moment, words careful. Jaebum inhales slowly before shaking his head, “No, not really.”

“Can I look at it, at least?” Youngjae pushes, his natural gentleness helping to ease the anxiety that’s attempting to build up at the thought of someone other than him reading what he had written in that notebook. It exposed him entirely. Every feeling, every insecurity, every thought. Every part of him. Everything that was wholly him was written on those pages during the weak and vulnerable moments he would have back then. Back when he used his writing as an outlet to help handle them all.

Did he really want Youngjae to read all of those?

But... he had brought it with him, hadn’t he?

Jaebum peeks over at the other from where he’s sitting, their eyes meeting and gazes holding for a moment before he finally nods his head in permission.

Youngjae is just as gentle with handling the notebook as his words are when he speaks to Jaebum, fingers gliding across the front and opening to the first page, bringing the book down to rest on the keys as he reads the penciled words on the first page. The silence stretches, Jaebum looking anywhere but Youngjae right now as he hears the sound of a page turning every few moments.

He is not entirely sure what part of this moment would manage to make him 'happy', but Dr. Kim's words have stuck, and despite the feelings trying to overwhelm him there is still something comforting about sitting in this room again with Youngjae next to him.

“These words are… really beautiful, hyung.” Youngjae says softly after a couple minutes, having only gotten through a few pages before closing the notebook. Jaebum almost wants to question why he doesn’t just read all of it right there, but another part of him feels relieved that Youngjae hadn’t read all of it right then, too.

“Thank you.” Jaebum mumbles out.

“No, thank you for letting me read some of it,” Youngjae says with a grin, tone a bit lighter now as he elbows him. Jaebum feels a small smile quirk onto the edge of his own lips; he has no control over it.

“You can read more… if you want, I mean. I’ve never let anyone read those so it’ll be nice to finally get some feedback.”

There is an expression that crosses Youngjae’s face at his admittance that Jaebum catches but isn’t sure how to feel about. The look makes something in his chest unfurl and yearn for more, wanting to see more of it and discover what it means. It’s nameless, a twinkle in bright brown eyes as they stare at him, just another unknown thing between them that Jaebum can’t even begin to understand. It's not a bad feeling. It's just simply that: a feeling.

“Bring it next time and I’ll be happy to read more. Maybe I’ll bring some of my old notebooks, too. My scene phase in high school was a whirlwind of emotions and reading it in those journals is an experience, let me tell you.” Youngjae offers, head tilting to the side as he smiles widely, eyes becoming crescents as it takes over his face.

Jaebum feels the smile on his own face spread, taking a mental picture of the other right then and storing that smile away to think about some other time.

“Yeah… I’d like that.” 

_Just as long as it makes you happy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it has been awhile, hasn't it?!
> 
> i'm so sorry for this late update. i promise i never forgot about humming! i've just been taking my time and trying not to lose my inspiration, and writing in small bits when it comes to me. i've been working on some other fics on the side as well, so my mind has been kind of all over the place the past couple of months.
> 
> but! i updated! nothing major really happens here besides a bit more of an understanding of jb and some development (in multiple places), but i'm really focusing on jb finding the help that he needs earlier on in this fic rather then later for reasons you'll understand in later chapters. i don't want this fic to be only sad and depressing thoughts, okay? I PROMISE... I SWEAR.
> 
> if anyone has questions about humming or any other fics, or just for me in general, feel free to drop them in my [cc account](https://curiouscat.me/springjaes). i also made a [twitter](https://twitter.com/springjaes) for my writing that i'll update when i can! or interact with anyone who wants to interact with me!
> 
> until the next update ♡


	5. leitmotif

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the usual trigger warnings apply here. **tw:** mentions of anxiety.

"So where did you come up with the name _Defsoul_?" Youngjae's question is sudden, disrupting the steady silence that had been settled over them for the past half hour or so.

There seems to be a hint of amusement in his voice that catches Jaebum's attention first, and he peers up from the words he had been reading to look at him. Youngjae is still sitting on the ground across from him, propped against the wall rather comfortably with his legs outstretched and pressed against Jaebum's own, a teasing grin already on his face.

They had abandoned the grand piano for the night in favor of looking at old lyrics and songs written by the two of them. Or, more specifically, their younger selves. Jaebum had brought a few more of his composition books along this time around and Youngjae had managed to find a couple that he deemed were acceptable enough to not completely embarrass him to death.

Although, frankly, after reading the first few pages of Youngjae's own words Jaebum wanted to question why the other felt embarrassed by them, but he kept his comments to himself, choosing instead to simply delve deeper into this little piece of Youngjae that he hadn't been able to get to know just yet.

"It kinda just came together,” Jaebum muses with a grin. “Teenage me needed some kind of edgy name so that’s where Def came from… and the soul came from an artist I used to listen to a lot. Plus, I thought it sounded cool.  _Defsoul_."

“ _Defsoul._ ” Youngjae repeats back with exaggeration, but nods his head after as if he accepts the explanation.

“And what about you? Where did  _Ars_  come from?” Jaebum asks, flipping the song book over in his hand to look at the name messily scribbled across the front in marker.

Youngjae laughs to himself, leaning his head back against the wall. “It means 'art' in Latin.”

“You know Latin?” Jaebum looks surprised.

“No,” Youngjae corrects, “but Google translate does.”

He scoffs at the cheeky response and Youngjae’s breathy laugh follows after. “Actually it’s just a small part of a quote that I’ve always liked. I read it once in a book and it stuck with me, so I kind of built myself around that whole alias when I was younger.”

Jaebum makes a face that silently tells Youngjae to continue when he pauses to glance at him.

“ _Ars longa, vita brevis._ ” The look that crosses Youngjae’s face when he says it seems fond and he's moving away from the wall and scooting forward a moment later, gently taking the song book from Jaebum’s hands. He flips it open to the front cover, showing where the quote is written on the inside of it, as well.

“What does it mean?” Jaebum asks curiously as he examines the quote written in Youngjae's scratchy handwriting.

“It means Art is long, Life is short.” Youngjae hums fondly, finger tracing over the penned in words before he hands the book back over to Jaebum.

“I know there are a lot of more meaningful quotes out there in the world that probably have a deeper meaning than that, but something about it just always stuck. I think it just resonated very clearly with me and the meaning behind it just made sense. Art is forever but life isn’t, so do what you love while you can. You only have so much time to learn and grow from it all.” Youngjae smiles warmly at his explanation and it puts Jaebum at ease, even when he wasn’t aware he needed to be right then.

“I like it,” Jaebum comments. “I agree with it, too.”

That seems to brighten Youngjae up, his brown eyes lifting to look up at him once more. “That quote got me through a lot, and it got me to where I’m at now, too. I questioned for a long time what I should do with my life and what direction I wanted to go in, even though it seems so obvious that it should have been music.”

Jaebum nods his head as he listens, leaning back on an arm and waiting for him to continue.

Youngjae seems a little hesitant for a moment and Jaebum isn’t sure what exactly is causing him to suddenly be so reserved about talking about this, but he’s eager to hear more and hopes that he isn’t coming off disinterested. A couple seconds pass before Youngjae seems soothed by something, sighing softly to himself and finding his words again.

“It’s hard because it feels like you’re limited with what you can do with music. Especially with my interest being in piano performance, which is always for a select group of people. Not everyone wants to listen to classical music anymore." Youngjae smiles a little bitterly, "I was really afraid that it would be a waste of time to seek out a future in it despite it being the one thing I felt the most passionate about. I considered just getting a business degree or maybe even going into some kind of gaming field but it just didn’t feel right. Ultimately it was finding that quote again after some time and reading it again, as well as some encouragement from my mother, that finally made me realize that I should do something with my life that makes me happy. Because I'll only have so long to enjoy it... otherwise I’d just be miserable.”

Youngjae’s words strike Jaebum deep in a way that feels much more personal than he’s comfortable with. He has a feeling that his face gives way to his thoughts for a split second because Youngjae seems to notice the shift in his demeanor despite it being subtle. He's sitting up only a moment later and scooting in even closer, a worried expression crossing his face.

“I didn’t say too much, did I?” Youngjae asks, concern evident in his tone.

“No,” Jaebum quickly reassures, inhaling deeply and running a hand through his hair. “I just—I understand where you’re coming from with all of that. I get it.”

Youngjae continues to watch him carefully, eyes seeming to read his every move. Jaebum doesn't know what to do but he knows he doesn't want to give off the wrong impression. Youngjae had been opening up to him about something personal and he doesn't want to make him think he should feel bad for doing that.

“I’m sorry,” Youngjae says unexpectedly.

Jaebum looks at him in surprise. “What are you sorry for? You don’t have anything to be sorry over, Youngjae,” he starts, brow furrowing but Youngjae stops him.

“You know, you’re really bad at hiding things. Your face practically screams whatever you’re feeling.”

He can't help but wince a little at that truth. “Yeah, I know.” Jaebum grumbles out.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Youngjae asks, head tilting to the side. His tone is light, no pressure entangled in his words, and where Jaebum would have once been irritated by someone's attempt to delve into his past: it just isn’t that way with Youngjae.

Part of him wonders if he should be concerned about that, but another part tells him that it’s not the time to think about it.

“There’s really not much to talk about,” Jaebum explains with a half-heartened shrug. “I just wish I had had your mindset and support system when I was younger. You’re lucky you had your mom there to encourage you with all of this.”

“Your mom didn’t support your music?” Youngjae frowns.

“No, she and my father didn’t support it. When it was a casual hobby they were fine with it, but when it came to choosing a path for my future then it became a useless dream to have,” Jaebum purses his lips a bit at those familiar words. “They wanted me to get into the family business, or become a lawyer, or do something high profile that would get me a lot of money. We fought a lot about that whole thing.”

“What did you end up doing?”

The question was inevitable. Jaebum knew it was going to be asked at some point, but that bitterness is still bubbling up in his gut anyway. He breathes in slowly to collect himself. He's determined to keep the easy atmosphere they had right now.

“I applied to all the colleges they wanted me to, but I also applied to a few colleges of my own that I was interested in. I—got accepted into them all. Even the ones my parents didn’t know about. You can imagine which ones they obviously wanted me to go to.”

Youngjae watches him silently, eyes flickering across his face as if reading his thoughts. “You didn’t pick the college you wanted, did you?”

A soft laugh slips from Jaebum’s chest but it’s hollow and lacking. He nods his head.

“Yeah, I didn’t pick the college I wanted.”

It was a regret that Jaebum hadn’t been able to let go of ever since he had made the final decision years ago. He had been naive back then to think that he would be okay and that he could still pursue his music on the side while still trying to live up to his parents expectations of him. There had been a small glimmer of hope in him that he was smart and skilled enough to please everyone in his life; even himself.

But reality was cruel and harsh sometimes, and Jaebum had ended up with basically nothing in the end.

“What happened to you?” Youngjae whispers out, something somber in the tone of his voice that makes Jaebum look back up at him, not sure when his gaze had fallen to the composition book in his lap in the first place. There’s an ache in his chest when he sees the expression on the younger's face.

He looks like he wants to cry. Like the things Jaebum is telling him are hurting him, too.

That doesn't make sense, though. 

Because why would Jaebum's sad childhood affect someone in such a way?

Why would his pain hurt Youngjae just the same?

Why would Youngjae actually even care that much to begin with?

“I did it to myself,” Jaebum mumbles out, words quietly spoken into the small space between them as if he’s afraid someone could be listening in. “I’m the reason that I’m where I am now.”

The silence stretches for a moment or two before Youngjae breaks it.

“I don’t believe you.”

A look of shock crosses Jaebum’s face before he can think to hide it, Youngjae's bold words catching him off guard.

“It’s the truth,” Jaebum says, ignoring the bad taste that saying that leaves in his mouth. Youngjae seems adamant on his denial, though, head shaking vehemently.

“I’m not looking to give you excuses or anything like that and I’m not pitying you or trying to say you’re completely innocent. I do have some common sense and everyone makes their own decisions in their lives and you are no different. You made the choice to not go to the college you wanted,” Youngjae starts, face flushing out of embarrassment or maybe  frustration. “But there are factors in people’s lives that make them make the decisions that they do. You chose to not go to the college you wanted but that’s because of your parents not supporting your dreams and I can only imagine how horrible that would feel. I know it would have crushed me to not have my own parents support me when it came to my music, especially because it means so much to me now more than ever.”

Jaebum swallows around the tight feeling in his throat, unsure of how to react to all of this. It's verging on the line of too much, but he makes no effort to stop Youngjae from talking.

“You don’t have to take all the blame like you have been. You’re not the only person who is wrong here!” Youngjae continues, pausing to look at Jaebum again. “You know that, right?”

And there is a voice in the back of Jaebum’s mind that tells him, yes, he did know that. Of course he knew that his parents had gotten into his head at a young age and he had made his decisions to try and make them happy instead of himself, but it was that resentment that had brewed in him for years because of that that made it hard for Jaebum to want to acknowledge it.

It was easier to blame himself — he could handle that.

“I’ve gotten to the point in my life where there’s no point in blaming others for mistakes I’ve made in the past, Youngjae-ya.” Jaebum says slowly after they're quiet for a moment. He watches as Youngjae’s chest seems to rise and fall with more effort than needed, that flush on his cheeks still evident. “It doesn’t make it any easier to handle. I was angry for a very long time about that. I blamed them for all of my unhappiness but truth be told, everything after that was all on me. My parents might have started it all but I got myself to where I am now by making decisions that I knew were wrong. I did things that weren't okay to do, and I upset a lot of people—People that I actually care about.”

Youngjae’s gaze hasn’t faltered from him since he started speaking, and Jaebum watches as his brow creases more and more as he speaks. The other's face seems to fall a little, as if upset at Jaebum’s admittance to his faults.

“You’re  _not_  a bad guy,” Youngjae says and it takes Jaebum by surprise. There is a strong sense of something in Youngjae's tone that just about hits him square in the chest when he hears it, as if the words are trying to force their way into him and assert themselves over his own negative thoughts. It’s as if Youngjae is trying to convince Jaebum of what he’s saying, but Jaebum doesn’t know if he has it in him to go in on this fight just yet. It's a mental battle that has been going on for years and years. 

So, Jaebum does the only other thing he can do.

He changes the subject.

Dropping his gaze back down to the song book in his lap, Jaebum runs his fingers over the cover, attention finding the symbols etched onto it in black pen.

“What’s with the threes?” Jaebum suddenly asks, catching Youngjae off guard who visibly shakes in surprise. He looks hesitant to leave the topic they were on but gives in only seconds later, looking down at the symbol that is repeatedly drawn multiple times across the cover.

“It’s—stupid, really,” Youngjae mumbles out a little shyly before taking the book and turning it horizontal in Jaebum’s lap. “It’s my initials when you turn it this way. See?" Youngjae's finger traces over the lines to create a more visual explanation. "C-Y-J.”

Something about that makes a small grin quirk onto the edge of Jaebum’s lips, amusement crossing his face as he glances over at Youngjae who seems even more flushed than before.

“Cute.”

Laughter spills between the two of them when Youngjae brings his hand out to whack him in the shoulder. “Don’t make fun of me!” he whines out, snatching back the book.

“I wasn’t making fun of you, I was being honest. It’s cute.” Jaebum defends, hand coming up to rub at the spot where Youngjae had hit him. He makes a show of wincing despite it not actually hurting and Youngjae scoffs at him as he tries to hold back a smile, eyes watching the action.

The momentary amusement fades after a few seconds, though, and the mood from just moments before falls back over them.

“I didn’t mean to sound insensitive there,” Youngjae says quietly after a minute or so, looking as if he's pouting. “I guess I just want you to get better. I want you to get the help that you need, hyung.”

An ache spreads throughout Jaebum’s chest at the sincerity of Youngjae’s words, leaving him a little speechless. Every part of him still wants to question why Youngjae cares so much. Why he’s cared since the very beginning of their paths crossing. Why he wants Jaebum to get better when they barely know each other. The thoughts invade his mind and it takes his own self-control to stop them from slipping.

Jaebum doesn’t know if he’s ready to hear an answer to them just yet. Everything is still so new. 

The therapy,

the volunteer work,

...Youngjae.

They are foreign things in his life and he’s trying to be careful with them. His usual habit of self-destruction is something that he refuses to allow to happen again. Jaebum was tired of ruining everything. He was tired of a lot of things, and perhaps this was something small in comparison to others, but he didn’t want to ruin the second chance that he gotten with getting to know Youngjae.

He wants to know so much but ultimately, it’s probably better that he doesn’t.

The less that he knows the less he has the chance to fuck it up.

“I’ll get better,” Jaebum finally says, doing his best to sound convincing to both himself and Youngjae. “It’s gonna take some time but… I’m taking it seriously now. I want to get better.”

“I’m glad,” Youngjae says with a soft smile. “I hope that you’ll let me help you. Even if it’s just a little bit. I really do want to help you, hyung.”

There is a sudden warmth spreading underneath the palm of Jaebum's hand and it makes both him and Youngjae jump at the same time, but Jaebum is surprised to realize that it was him that reached out to grab Youngjae’s hand first this time around. He hadn’t even known he had been doing it, and part of him instinctively wants to pull it back, but Youngjae’s fingers move and no longer give him that option, tightening around his hand. His thumb soothingly runs across the smooth skin of his wrist and the silence builds between them with a familiar tension that Jaebum has just become accustomed to now when it came to Youngjae.

“You’ve already helped me more than you know,” Jaebum admits out loud, ignoring the heat that finds his own cheeks at his honesty.

A flash of emotion crosses Youngjae’s face at his words and he seems pleased, face brightening and hand tightening around his a little more.

“I’m happy that I have, that—that really does make me happy to know that I’ve helped you, even a little,” Youngjae says with a sigh.

“That makes you happy?” Jaebum questions, thrown off by that admittance. Youngjae nods his head eagerly though, smile gracing his face and stretching his cheeks.

“Yeah. It does.”

Jaebum stares at him now, caught up in everything that had just happened and eyes distracted by the way the other's entire face seems to practically glow when he smiles like that.

“I’d like to find a little bit more of that, too.”

It’s Dr. Kim’s words that are coming to Jaebum once more and slipping past his own lips, her encouragement of doing things that make him happy repeating in his head.

"More of what?" Youngjae looks at him questioningly.

Jaebum holds his breath and takes the dive.

“Happiness. Things that make me happy.”

A feeling of contentment falls over them in that moment, their hands still clasped together tightly. It’s quiet but it doesn’t feel quiet. Something is buzzing in the air around the two of them and they can't seem to look away from one another again. Their eyes are like magnets, impossible to pull away from and only drawing them in further and further. Something pure settles in Jaebum's chest and it’s the closest he has felt to Youngjae since they met. He doesn’t want to break whatever spell had fallen over them, so he stays quiet, not even breathing until the smile on Youngjae’s face becomes so bright that he’s nearly tempted to look away from it.

But he doesn’t.

Instead, he stares openly, taking it all in before Youngjae finally chooses to speak up and break it for them. 

"I can help you with that, too.”

 

*

 

_All there is—is Nothing._

_It's a stretch of black, no end to where it goes and no hint of anything else existing within it. Jaebum is surrounded by pitch darkness, despite being able to see himself clear as day. A heavy feeling is falling on his shoulders as he walks, not even sure if he's getting anywhere but his legs don't want to stop moving. He doesn't know how to stop. They continue to trudge forward, slicing through the black endlessness that greets him with every step. It's getting harder for Jaebum to breathe now, everything seeming to want to crash in over him, the fear of not knowing what he's doing or where he's going or what this all is beginning to overwhelm him—and then he hears it._

_It's quiet at first, almost completely unnoticeable, as if hidden behind a door that Jaebum can't see. It's muffled but when he hears it, the low humming of a familiar song that echoes in his mind and brings pictures of a grand piano and a music room to his mind, Jaebum thinks he'd be able to know whose voice that was no matter what._

_It makes him catch his breath. Makes him surge forward._

_"Youngjae-ya?" his voice asks out loud, sounding quiet and weak. There is a tremble in his words, wondering if maybe he was just hearing things now, because the humming had stopped the second he called out the other's name; but then it answers._

_"—Hyung?"_

_His heart lurches, the voice sounding clearer now, and Jaebum's legs pick up speed. In an instant he's running despite not knowing where he's going. Is he getting closer? Farther away? The panic begins to rise, a desperation spreading through him that tells him he needs to find Youngjae. Jaebum needed to find him. He didn't want to be here by himself. He didn't want to be alone._

_"Youngjae-ya! Where are you?!" he gasps out, finding it harder to speak as the air in his lungs rushes out. There's an echo of a breathy laugh behind him and Jaebum turns on his heel quickly, stumbling backwards when he looses his footing and falls—and then continues to fall, the black expanse that had been underneath his feet opening up beneath him. A sound of terror breaks from his chest, body flailing to grasp onto anything that it can, despite being unable to see anything. "Youngjae—!" the name leaves his mouth in a desperate shout, sounding broken, a pitiful whimper cracking in his voice._

_"Jaebum-hyung!"_

_His voice is more clear now than ever but the panic only grows because Jaebum can't still see him. He doesn't know how to get to him. He doesn't know what to do. His eyes clench shut, hands tightening into fists of frustration. "Stop it! Just—just stop! No more, please!" Jaebum cries out, not sure who he's talking to or even what he's talking about._

_He just wants it to stop. He wants all of it to stop._

_"It's okay, hyung," Youngjae's voice suddenly whispers into his ear and a gasp breaks from his chest at it's sudden closeness. The weightless feeling of his body falling comes to a stop, leaving him floating in the black abyss of whatever this was._

_"It's not okay—it's not!" Jaebum whimpers out, chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath. "I don't know where you are!"_

_There are tears stinging in the backs of his eyes, that heavy loneliness and desperation crashing over him. Jaebum feels powerless. He's never felt so powerless in his life, unable to do anything to help himself. Unable to think coherently. "I don't know where you are—" he whispers out again before what feels like arms suddenly wrap around him from behind and hold him tightly. It grounds him, a heavy gasp for air ripping from his chest as his hands come down to hold onto the arms but there are none there. He can't see them but he can still feel them, and the panic stutters for just a moment until Jaebum hears Youngjae's voice in his ear again._

_"I'm right here."_

_Just like the arms. Jaebum can't see him, but he feels him. He hears him._

_"You don't have to worry anymore. I'm here."_

_He's there._

 

The blaring alarm clock from his phone suddenly jerks Jaebum awake, his body jolting forward in his bed and the gasp for air that breaks from his throat is abrupt and nearly painful.

It was a dream.

Obviously.

His heart is racing in his chest and he's heaving while attempting to catch his breath once more. The disoriented feeling lingers for a few more seconds until Jaebum finally acknowledges the alarm still going off from his phone on his bed. He reaches out to silence it and blinks when he notes that its ten in the morning.

Jaebum falls back onto his bed, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes and laying there until he's back to his senses, still a little shaken from the dream but calming down now that he can sense the familiarity of his bedroom surrounding him.

It had been awhile since he had a dream like that. Normally he wasn't much of one to begin with, but on the rare occasions that he did have one, he barely ever remembered them. This one had felt too realistic, though. It left him unsettled. Youngjae's voice still echoes in his mind, and if his common sense wasn't telling him that it was completely impossible, Jaebum would of thought that Youngjae could have been in the room with him at the time from how clear and real it had felt to him.

He lays there for awhile, allowing himself to relax once more, unsure of what to do with himself yet. His phone suddenly dings beside him, letting him know he had a message.

 

**From: Youngjae**

 

Jaebum tries his best to ignore the odd feeling that spreads in his gut when he sees the message is from Youngjae. It's a little unnerving, having just had a dream about him only to wake up and receive a message from him not long after, but Jaebum figures it just odd coincidence at this point.

 

 

 

 

*

 

The location that Youngjae sends him leads him to a decently crowded area tucked away in the city, and it's lined with small shops and vendors stationed outside them selling trinkets and anything else one could imagine. Jaebum keeps his gaze on the GPS in his phone leading him to Youngjae's whereabouts until it has him stopping in front of a smaller store, an old and worn sign reading  _'Vintage Vinyl’_  propped overtop the entry way.

Jaebum stares at it for a moment, an uneasy feeling beginning to take over him until the door to the store suddenly opens and Youngjae appears, looking excited to see that Jaebum had actually shown up.

"You didn't have any issues finding it, did you?" Youngjae asks as he comes up to him, the bright expression on his face hard to ignore and despite feeling a bit on edge to be standing in front of the music store currently, Jaebum can't help but smile back.

"No, no issues. I've never been to this part of the city, though. I didn't even know this place existed," Jaebum mumbles, dark eyes looking back towards the old store sign.

"Yeah, it's one of the few stores that sells vintage vinyl and music. They've got everything here! I discovered it a couple years ago and I've been obsessed with this place since. It's really cool inside," Youngjae pauses, looking at him warily. "Do you... wanna come in with me?"

Does he?

Jaebum can't help but really ask himself that. It's not as if it should be that much of a big deal. It was just a music store. It was the underlying intentions of it, though, that were making Jaebum unsure of what to do with himself. That, and he was still a little on edge about his dream from earlier.

His gaze falls to look at Youngjae again and when their eyes meet Jaebum feels something within him immediately want to give in. Perhaps it was his self-control when it came to not knowing how to handle Youngjae's wide, genuine eyes when they're looking at him in the way that they are now. It was hard to say no to him when Jaebum knew that it was all coming from a good place. Despite his own internal dilemma Jaebum decides to set it all aside for now, if only to get rid of the slight hint of nervousness that he can see etched into the corners of Youngjae's features.

"Yeah. Let's go in," Jaebum finally answers, feeling a small smile tug at his lips when Youngjae grins and grabs ahold of his hand, dragging him through the door. Once it shuts behind him and closes off the noise of the busy streets outside, the difference in atmosphere and setting hits him hard.

It's quiet. That's the first thing Jaebum notices. The ceilings are low, the lights aren't too bright, it's got a smell to it that just smells vintage itself. The shelves are old wood and lined with hundreds and hundreds of vinyl albums, laminated paper letters peeking out from above them to separate them into alphabetical sections. There were rows and rows of these shelves stretching all the way back towards the back of the store. Headphones were hooked onto the sides of them, streaming music and there were a multitude of old record players placed here and there as well. There was a low melody of music coming from an old radio behind the counter that one of the workers was hunched over, flipping through an old comic book and seemingly in their own world.

"I feel like I just entered some kind of old, western 80's movie." Jaebum whispers out after taking it all in, unsure of why he's whispering but it doesn't feel like he's allowed to talk too loudly with the low hum of silence settled over the place.

"I know!" Youngjae breathes out in excitement, body seeming to almost vibrate from it. "It's why I love this place so much. They have artists and bands from all around the world here. It's amazing." 

Jaebum lets himself be pulled towards the shelves, stopping and watching as Youngjae starts sorting through the ones infront of him, seeming determined to find one in specific. There is an itch to reach out and do the same, his curiosity wanting to know just what all this music store does have, but Jaebum's arms don't move from his sides just yet. Instead, he looks around the music store once more before Youngjae lets out a sound of success and pulls out a vinyl record with a familiar figure posing on the front of it. Jaebum can't help but laugh when he notices who it is.

"Bruno Mars?" he asks in a teasing tone, grinning when Youngjae practically hugs the vinyl to his chest in defense. 

"If you tell me you don't like him then we're going to have to end this immediately." Youngjae says dramatically, eyes wide. Jaebum snorts.

"I'm not sure what you mean by  _this_ ," he starts, pretending that it's a trick of bad lighting when he sees Youngjae's cheeks brightening just the slightest before continuing, "but whatever you were planning on ending is safe. He's a good artist. I like his music."

"He's one of the best!" 

Jaebum is being pulled towards the back of the music store now, blinking when they stop at a small area set up with stools and an empty record player, a single headphone jack attached to it. Youngjae hurries with pulling out the record and placing it in the player, carefully setting it up before pulling up the headphones and turning one of the big, cushioned pads towards Jaebum. "We can share it. Listen to it with me!"

Jaebum feels that hesitation for just a moment as he looks at Youngjae, but with a sense of finality he ignores it, stepping up and grabbing the back of the headphone and leaning down a bit to press his ear against it, smiling to himself when a familiar funky beat begins to play through it.

He's not sure how long the two of them continued with that pattern. One record would play until the end, they'd talk about the tracks, and then Youngjae would rush off to find another one as quickly as he could. At one point he started just pulling ones out at random, letting the both of them discover something new together. It was a mix of entertainment - especially when they found songs that certainly didn't fit their tastes but were still fun to listen to and comment on - and a mix of something mentally healing.

Jaebum doesn't know how else to explain it other than that.

All he knows is that it felt good to smile and enjoy something again.

To enjoy music, specifically.

It's been too long since he allowed himself to give into the something that used to be his life line. Something that he used to say was the reason he lived and breathed.

The record they're listening to ends and Youngjae is in the process of putting it back and moving to get another before Jaebum reaches out to grab his arm, stopping him in his tracks and pulling away the headphone that has been glued to his ear for awhile now. Youngjae looks at him with wide eyes, unsure of what was happening, and Jaebum flashes him a reassuring smile.

"Let me pick the next one."

The happiness that practically radiates from Youngjae in response to him makes something in Jaebum's chest flutter, that warmth spreading even further now and wrapping around him like an embrace. "Okay," Youngjae breathes out with a smile, stepping back and waiting expectantly.

Jaebum moves towards one of the aisles of vinyl, a specific one already on his mind that he hasn't listened to in awhile. The grin that stretches across his face when the familiar name appears could almost be considered childlike. It feels strange, pulling at his lips in a way that they haven't done in so long. He can't wipe it off his face though, excitement of his own beginning to bubble up in him when he pulls out the vinyl record and makes his way back to where Youngjae has been waiting patiently. Curious eyes look at the vinyl when Jaebum steps up and holds it out to him and recognition replaces it seconds after.

"No way!" Youngjae laughs out abruptly, loud and carefree and it's jarring in the silent music shop but the worker at the counter seems unbothered as he flips to the next page and it's still just the two of them there. Jaebum finds that he doesn't mind how loud it is. Especially when he's doing his best to hold back his own laughter.

"I'm a little surprised they actually have it," Jaebum says with a laugh, a rush of adrenaline and energy going through him when Youngjae gets the record set up and it begins to play. The soulful music comes back and it hits Jaebum like a forceful wave, nostalgia coming with it hard and nearly drowning him but he doesn't mind it this time. For once, he willingly lets it drag him down into the depths of a place that he had thought he had long forgotten about.

"This was your inspiration for  _Defsoul_ ," Youngjae says after quietly listening to a minute of the first song, smile having not left his face the entire time.

"Part of it, yeah. Musiq Soulchild was one of my favorites when I was younger. He inspired a lot of my music and a lot of my taste," Jaebum explains, feeling his heart beat pick up as the first song ends and the next begins to play. He knows one of his favorites is on this album. He waits for it patiently, enjoying the trip down memory lane that all the music is bringing back to him.

The two of them fall into another comfortable silence as they listen, bodies pressed close together to share the single pair of headphones offered and there is a sway to them that follows along with the mood of the music, shared smiles on each of their faces. Jaebum doesn't have to wait much longer before the song he was thinking of begins to play.

"This one was one of my favorites," Jaebum breathes out, grin growing on his face and he's so fixed on looking at the spinning record that he misses the way Youngjae's gaze lingers on him, admiring and taking in this other side of Jaebum that's finally revealing himself. Jaebum's eyes close after a few seconds, the words to the lyrics coming back to him naturally and he mouths them to himself, a low hum finding the back of his throat as he lets the music in.

The door that he had been holding shut for so long wedges open just the slightest.

When the song ends Jaebum opens his eyes, coming back to himself after getting lost in it. His head turns to look over at Youngjae and he jerks a bit in surprise when he sees Youngjae's gaze still on him, soft smile curled onto the edge of his lips and looking endearingly fond. It makes Jaebum fluster a bit. "What?" he asks, clearing his throat and shifting on his feet.

"Nothing," Youngjae says nonchalantly. "I liked that song. What's it called?"

" _Love_." Jaebum answers, ignoring how something shifts within his chest when he says it. He doesn't know what that means and he won't think on it for too long. Youngjae shows no hint of feeling what he just did either, so Jaebum simply brushes it aside.

"I like this music a lot," Youngjae continues as it continues playing, nodding his head along to it. "It really does encompass that soul feeling, I think. It's a nice switch up from Bruno Mars. I'll give you that."

Jaebum chuckles, feeling flattered and a little more than pleased over the thought of Youngjae liking the same music he does. 

"You'll have to show me more. Music, I mean. Of what you like to listen to. I want to hear more of it," Youngjae says with a hopeful look. 

"Yeah," Jaebum nods, "I definitely will."

His answer seems to make Youngjae happy, and they fall back into a silence as they listen somemore, until Youngjae pulls out his phone for the first time since they got there and looks visibly surprised when he sees the time. "Oh my gosh, I didn't realize it's been nearly three hours."

Brow raising in equal surprise Jaebum pulls out his own phone to look at the time as well, as if to verify it.

"Wow. I didn't either."

A content sigh slips from Youngjae's lips as he pulls the headphones away, taking Jaebum's with him too and setting it down once the record stops. The silence of the store falls over them once more now that the music isn't there to drown it out, and they stand there for a moment, both unsure of what to do with themselves until it's Youngjae that finally speaks up first.

"Have you eaten?" he asks, head tilting to the side questioningly.

As if on cue, Jaebum's stomach growls loud enough for the both of them to hear. "I'll take that as a no!" Youngjae exclaims, laughing breathily as Jaebum tries to not be embarrassed about it.

"Do you wanna go get lunch? I'm kinda starving now that I'm thinking about it," Youngjae looks at him carefully, as if assessing him. It's that look he tends to get on his face a lot lately. Normally Jaebum would find it invasive, but something about Youngjae's gaze just doesn't feel that way. It's curious, and open, and Jaebum is almost beginning to suspect that he might actually like it when the younger's attention is on him like that.

"Yeah. Let's go get something to eat," Jaebum finally answers back with a nod, letting Youngjae lead them out of the music store with intent, mentioning a cafe nearby that a bunch of the theater and music department liked to hang out at.

 

*

 

The name of the little cafe,  _Beautiful Sky_ , seems awfully familiar to Jaebum when he notices it but he can't quite remember why at first. The place itself is small but homey, the smell of coffee immediately greeting him when they walked in together. It's painted in warm colors, dark wood counters and tables, and array of oddly shaped chairs placed at every table and giving it it's own quirky vibe. There are also couches and sofa chairs spread out in random spots. The cafe seems decently busy, student spread across it and some with laptops in front of them, others with books spread out and talking amongst those they seem to be studying with, and some that are simply there just to eat.

They all look around their age range, only proving Youngjae's comment that a lot of the college students tended to come here.

It's a little off putting at first—it's not a place where Jaebum would frequent himself—but Jaebum does his best to try and blend in and not draw attention to himself. He saw a few people look their way when they entered and one even waved at Youngjae, who seemed to happily return it before leading the both of them towards the front counter. 

That unnerving feeling from earlier, that had faded away in the midst of music keeping his mind content and calm, has come back now that he's out of his element. Jaebum does his best to go through the motions of ordering himself food and a drink after Youngjae finishes, following him to a small table near the large front window, the two of them sitting across from one another. It's making him fidget a little with his phone as they wait for their orders to be brought to their table, the anxiety creeping over him and he's not sure what to do about it just yet.

"Are you okay?" Youngjae suddenly asks and his voice draws Jaebum back in, allowing him a moment of clarity from his constant stream of thoughts.

"Yeah I'm fine," Jaebum answers back automatically, shaking his head when Youngjae gives him doubtful look. "I'm fine. I guess I just don't do well in places like this."

Youngjae can't help but look around the cafe curiously, as if trying to understand what Jaebum meant by that. "You've been to a cafe before, though? I saw you at the one near the college campus with Jackson-hyung, remember? You seemed fine there."

"That's because he's familiar. He makes it more comfortable."

The words slip before Jaebum can really process just how they could be taken the wrong way, and it's the odd look that crosses Youngjae's face that makes him repeat what he had said in his own mind and then immediately want to back pedal and take his words back. "That's— that's not how I meant for that to sound-" Jaebum starts, sitting forward and he feels that anxiety twist in his gut some more. 

But Youngjae shakes his head, waving him off and giving him an easy smile, the odd look from before dissolving away right in front of him. "It's okay. You had a point. I get it."

"I wasn't trying to make it seem like you make me uncomfortable. You don't. You're the opposite, actually, I just— I didn't think that through."

There's a hum of understanding from the raven-haired and he nods, a little breath of laughter slipping from his lips. "It's okay, hyung, really. I know you weren't meaning it that way. It didn't offend me."

There is an incessant need in Jaebum to continue to try and take it all back, borderline desperate to erase any thoughts that could deter Youngjae away from him. It's a desperation that he's not used to having. It's foreign and in all honesty, a little scary when Jaebum realizes it's there. He doesn't want Youngjae to think badly of him in any way, despite being a bad guy, and the thought of someone like Youngjae thinking negatively towards him stung in ways that Jaebum didn't want to ever have to actually experience. 

Their food and drinks come to their table before Jaebum can think of an intelligent response to give back, and they both seem to simultaneously agree that they would eat first and talk after, if the immediate scarfing of their food didn't say that enough.

Jaebum finishes his sandwich rather quickly though and is poking at the pile of untouched french fries in front of him minutes later, mind rewinding and replaying the past few hours that he had spent with Youngjae, who was still indulging himself in his food from across the table. 

He had been scared at first. It seemed so stupid, to find actual fear in doing something as simple as going into a music store and listening to music, but everything in Jaebum's life was irrational at this point.

He hadn't allowed himself to enjoy music in a long time. In literal years. It was just background noise for him now. Something to play when he needed to distract himself. Going any further with it only meant allowing that part of himself to come out once more and Jaebum didn't know if he was ready for him to come out again. He was still hurting. He was still in pain. He was still angry. He was everything that Jaebum had been trying to drown away with alcohol and drugs and anything he could get his hands on to destroy the sheer thought of  _him_.

He was him. 

It was him, the real him, the one that everyone in his life loved and cared for and desperately wanted back.

The him that cared about his life and his future.

The him that had been broken to the point where he felt unfixable, and then unworthy of being fixable in the first place.

He was a heavy heart to handle for Jaebum nowadays, someone that he had been trying to push away for so long—

But, somehow, Youngjae had managed to bring him out in a way that didn't feel too smothering. That didn't feel as though if he breathed the entire world would come crashing down around him. 

Maybe if the music store had been crowded and loud Jaebum wouldn't have opened up the way he had in there. Maybe if it didn't give off such a nostalgic vibe, Jaebum wouldn't have felt the need to reminiscence on his old love for music. Maybe if one single factor of the memory they had found themselves in had changed in any way, Jaebum wouldn't have shown him to Youngjae so easily.

The music store had been empty, though. And it had been quiet. There had been no one but the two of them and one store worker who minded their business. There had been no one else around. They had created their own little world together in that moment. A safe place that allowed Jaebum to let his guard down. 

Everything about it had been right.

Even Youngjae.

"Thanks for all of that," Jaebum suddenly speaks up, voice sounding off for a split second because of the tight feeling in his throat. Youngjae looks up at him in surprise, pausing mid-chew, cheeks puffed out rather cutely, and giving him a questioning look.

"For inviting me to that music store and just... I don't know. Listening to music with me?" Jaebum continues, trying to find his words. "It was... nice."

"You're welcome," Youngjae answers back as he swallows his food. "I'm glad you actually came. For a little bit there I wasn't sure if you actually would or not."

"Yeah, me either." Jaebum admits sheepishly, rubbing at the back of his neck. Youngjae only laughs.

"That was only the beginning of it all, though, so I hope you're ready for more." 

Jaebum blinks at Youngjae's words, looking at him in confusion because he doesn't understand what that means. There's that familiar gleam in the younger's eyes now, small smile on his face that softens his features in a way that, once again, makes him look rather cute. "I told you I'd help you," he attempts to explain.

"Help me?" Jaebum repeats, still not on the same page.

"Find things that make you happy."

Suddenly, their conversation from before comes back to him and Jaebum feels caught off guard. He had gotten so wrapped up in everything that he had forgotten about that, despite knowing that Youngjae inviting him to the music store in the first place had had intentions regarding that.

"That's a very heavy burden to carry, Youngjae-ya." Jaebum mumbles out, trying to ignore the swell of affection that grows despite it all.

"You're not a burden," Youngjae corrects him without any hesitation. "Your happiness isn't a burden either. I want to help you. I did good today, didn't I?"

A smile finds the corners of his lips at the question, his head nodding in affirmation because there was no point in lying. Not when the truth made the other so happy, too, it seemed.

"Yeah. You did really good."

"Good! So, like I said before, there's more to come. It's time to start feeling happy again, hyung, and I'm here to help." Youngjae says with a cheesy smile, dragging out the words with a hint of his humor to make the sincerity and intensity of their truth not so smothering - but Jaebum still picks up on it all.

But, as he was beginning to discover, he found it very hard to not give in to what Youngjae wanted.

He's in the middle of finding a response, searching his brain for something that can keep their conversation going before another voice suddenly cuts in.

It's familiar.

"Jaebummie?"

 _Very_  familiar.

Suddenly, Jaebum remembers now why the name of the cafe seemed to familiar to him.

It was the one that his best friend liked to go to all the time.

Jinyoung approaches their table after calling out Jaebum's nickname, looking at him with a furrowed brow and then over at Youngjae who is looking at him in welcome surprise. "Youngjae-ya?" Jinyoung asks, brow furrowing even more.

"Hi Jinyoung-hyung! I didn't know you were here!" Youngjae seems to catch onto the weird energy manifesting itself but plays it casaul, warming up to Jinyoung with easy familiarity. Jaebum doesn't know what to be more caught up in — the fact that Jinyoung is there and has actually acknowledged him for the first time in weeks, or the fact that Jinyoung and Youngjae seem to be on close enough terms to be using honorifics like that.

"You two know each other?" Jinyoung asks rather abruptly and it creates a heavy air of awkwardness. Youngjae sits further in his seat now, having quieted down and was now looking from Jinyoung to Jaebum, who has still yet to say anything.

"Y-Yeah, we do," Youngjae starts warily, "We've known each other for over a month or so now... right hyung?"

Jaebum catches the question directed his way and snaps himself out of it, sitting up in his chair and trying to remain as collected as he can be right now. He hadn't prepared to run into Jinyoung today. Especially not with Youngjae. All he can do right now is nod his head, lips sealed shut and not eager to open and speak.

Jinyoung looks between the two of them carefully, eyes calculating and seeming to be putting something together like a puzzle, if the look of realization that begins to slowly dawn his features doesn't say enough. Youngjae still seems confused, but Jaebum already knows what his best friend is beginning to put together now, finding the last remaining pieces to the little puzzle in his head.

Once Jinyoung realized just who Youngjae was— Jaebum was screwed.

He supposed he would just add it to the list of things he's done in his life to further infuriate Park Jinyoung.

The awkwardness lingers until Jinyoung seems to collect himself, looking tense and setting his attention solely on Jaebum now. Youngjae watches quietly from the background as they stare at each other, and with Jaebum's lips still incapable of forming words it's Jinyoung who finally speaks up.

"We need to talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just when you thought i'd forgotten about humming.... surprise!! i could never forget about humming. :'( 
> 
> i'm sorry this update took so long to get to. my rl has been hectic and very stressful and it's taken quite a lot out of me when it comes to actually writing. i've been able to keep myself distracted with small projects here and there that don't require much from me, but i was always slowly writing out this chapter in the bg despite all of this. it just took a little while longer this time. i'm sorry if it's nothing too special, but we're getting somewhere with some development. AND THAT'S GOOD.
> 
> i hope you all can forgive me for being so late with my updates. i just want to make sure i'm not rushing myself or losing my inspiration. i just hope that when i do update, each chapter is worth it. thank you all sm for your kind words that you leave in the comments. i read them all and i appreciate them so so much, you have no idea!!! they always help and encourage me to keep writing.
> 
> BUT, I HOPE YOU ENJOY CHAPTER FIVE. 
> 
> also, i'm trying something new with the texting thing, so let me know if you like it or not? and also [2] ignore any spelling errors its close to 3 in the morning right now and i'm tired. i'll come back and edit over this again once i sleep!!
> 
> feel free to follow my [twitter](https://twitter.com/springjaes)  
> or leave questions in my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/springjaes)!
> 
> until the next update ♡


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